Good evening viewers, I'm Alan Smithee and this is Extreme Makeover, Blood Bowl edition. Tonight, we'll be revelling in the schadenfreude of a ghoul being raised from the dead and given the regenerative abilities that it so sadly lacked before. I haven't checked in with Alanis, but I'm classing that as ironic.
But first, what do you call an interview with the recently deceased? An interment-view!
Our interment-viewee tonight is Normal Norman, ex-ghoul and promising ball handler for - Out of the Box -, ex-lineman for Undeadly As Cuz!, since delisted and now desperate enough to try reality cabalvision.
There's Norman, ball in hand on defence, the match in his grasp and the world of Blood Bowl at his feet.
Alan Smithee [AS] - Normal Norman! What happened?
Normal Norman [NN] - Evvrrry goolzzz wurssst nitemerrrr.. Got balll, tripped ovarrrr. Dedd.
AS - Classic play! Tripped over by a strength 5 player without tackle, great to see it still happens. But here you are, looking... differently abled?
NN - Wosss reegennnerrrated. Nno choyyss. Nnnot asss fassst nnowww, thiss bodyy isss...
AS - Amazing, let's have a quick look at the moment of transformation.
AS - Apologies viewers, it seems a rogue producer has locked the the caption bar. We're not into that kind of protection of people's modesty, it's highly irregular and the producer will be fired. Cough. Norman, talk us through the changes. You've said you're slower, anything else?
NN - Wosss gud at runnning. Dodginnng. Pickinng up therrr balll. An torrrkinn. Not ennymorrrr. Diss bodyyy is sh-
Badly Dubbed NN [BDNN] - shoddy.
AS - Haha, we'll edit that out and replace your voice entirely from now on. But it's not all bad, surely. Let's see the before and after.
AS - WOW! That definitely qualifies as an EXTREME makeover! Major spinal surgery to get you upright, reconstruction of the right eyesocket, a face full of botox, ears pinned and trimmed, implanted hair in the pattern of classic male balding, and OH MY NUFFLE, JUST LOOK AT THE DENTAL WORK. You look good, dude!
BDNN - Why would I want male pattern baldness? Why not just give me a full head of hair? And this expression. Sure, I was surprised to begin with, but I can't close my eyes. It's agony.
AS - Haha, what a, a, ahh, lovely, err, outcome? Um. So, where to next?
BDNN - I dunno. I was fired immediately after the game. I have no prospects, my Blood Bowl dreams are deader than my old teammates. Like Bob.
AS - Oh dear, what happened to Bob?
BDNN - He died too. Then they gave him the MVP. So there is one person out there doing it tougher than me... my old coach.
AS - I couldn't have scripted it better. I love reality cabalvision. Viewers, please be advised that some may find the following pun disturbing.
Did you hear about the necromancer that turned a ghoul into a zombie? It degenerated!
Extreme Makeover is all about improvements, so to summarise tonight's tale...
What's better than one dead ghoul? Two dead ghouls!
What's better than two dead ghouls? Resurrecting one as a zombie!
What's better than two dead ghouls and resurrecting one as a zombie? Giving the other one the MVP!
Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Extreme Makeover - Blood Bowl Edition, and I'll leave you with this candid image of our capricious god.
Shout out to unglaublicher for a fun match, and my deepest apologies for your losses.