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Orca Cola Director
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  1. The end times. The apocalypse. Doom. Ask the Dragon Ogres, and they'll call it another Tuesday. Ask the Guild of Necromantic Arts (GoNA)*, and they'll call it a marvelous opportunity. We did, and they just wouldn't shut up about it. Endless debates about how best to 'repurpose' the living population against demonic incursions, totally lacking in empathy. Unsurprising, but still unsettling to listen to. Anyway, here are some of their hot tips for preparing for the next cataclysmic event. 1. Location, location, location. Identify likely high-casualty battlefield sites, e.g. requiring frontal assaults or potential last stands. 2. Too many bodies to raise at once? Have anti-carrion strategies - cats, scarecrows, ice magic, there's plenty of options. 3. Don't be snobby about the (inevitably) damaged bodies. Problems for the living are opportunities for the dead. Skeleton with a broken bone? Nah, that's just extra-jointed. Missing bits? Better in small spaces. You want quantity and implacability, not quality. 4. Practice, practice, practice. Natural disasters, local border disputes, blood bowl tournaments, etc. Get out there and do the basics perfectly. 5. Like any project, it's best to be shovel ready. *It is unclear whether this is etymologically linked to 'goner' meaning dead. We hope it is.
  2. Hello again, Greebs Ripperson back again to introduce our next contestant. Not just introduce, but croon to you a little song about our latest wannabe lover. Why won't she introduce herself? Why does she wear feathers on her mouth? All will be revealed! With no further ado, here is Minnie the Mauler! Folks, here's the story 'bout Minnie the Mauler She was a Blood Bowl player, and quite the brawler She was the roughest, toughest lino But she had a heart as big as a mino [CHORUS] Hidee hidee hidee hi Hode hode hode ho Hee dee hee dee hee dee hee A hidee hidee hidee ho She wore little armour and trusted to fate She'd charge at the enemy, never hesitate She'd leave a trail of orcs and dwarves behind And lizards and flings, any opponent she could find. [CHORUS] Now, Minnie loved the game, she loved the thrill Of smashing skulls and making touchdowns at will She didn't care about fame, or fortune, or gold She just wanted to play and let her violence unfold But then one day, in the middle of a match Minnie was flattened like runny pancake batch The opposing team's star blitzer laid her out cold And the crowd fell silent, as the story was told Her jaw and teeth broken, her throat bruised Her voice ruined, never again to be used Was her career over, her glory days gone? Not Minnie the Mauler, she wasn't done. [CHORUS] Now, every time she plays, the crowd goes wild Minnie's silence gets them even more riled Her mouth decorated with feathers to hide the damage Her fists louder than words and twice as savage So here's to Minnie the Mauler, the queen of the field May she keep on playing, and never, ever yield But now she's looking for a date, steamy and hot With the green Queen herself, sexy Orcalotte. [CHORUS]
  3. Season 28 update. My final season as the Director of All Things Fluffy. But who won People's Choice? It me!
  4. He was born in Valinor, the only child of Finwë, King of the Ñoldor, and Míriel Therindë. He was a craftsman, gem-smith, and warrior, the creator of the Silmarils and the palantíri. All that is cast into shadow, for now he is a champion Blood Bowl player, leading his team to victory in the OCC. CONGRATULATIONS to our S28 OCC CHAMPION Fëanor & Sons coached by Filadeus Click here to congratulate @Filadeus youself!
  5. He was a vainglorious and selfish elf that gave Melkor a way in to ruin Valinor. Who cares? Fëanor can play Blood Bowl, yo. Congratulation @Filadeus for keeping the Fëanor & Sons egos in check and taking them all the way to the highest of glories - OCC Champions!
  6. Go go Andrew Karkouer! 105 matches played, averaging >4 blocks against per match - the life(?) of a blodge/guard zombie. Everyone should listen to what he has to say.
  7. Bump for Season 29 awareness. It's been a few seasons since we had new volunteers in the fluff team, and there's always room for more red suits. And I've been supplanted by appointed my successor Ratamo as head honcho for the fluff team.
  8. My first Legend in the OCC! Only 3 MVPs, the third in the match where he had already acheived 176SPPs
  9. Quatar to host 2522 Blood Bowl World Cup Selection process shrouded in shrouds STADIUMS TO BE LITERALLY BUILT ON DEAD BODIES OF WORKERS Make no bones about it, the awarding of the hosting rights to the 2522 Blood Bowl World Cup to the long-forgotten city of Quatar in the lands of the Tomb Kings has given fresh life to rumours of corruption and bribery at the highest level of the Blood Bowl world. Orca Onion News underground reporters can reveal some of the secretive details underpinning the Tomb Kings successful bid to host the World Cup... skeleton staff to reduce costs stadiums to be built within and above the larger necropolises, making use of existing architectural extravagance matches to be played at night to minimise chances of Sweltering Heat millennia of compound interest on bank deposits funded millions of dollars in bribes the official motto (roughly translated from their native hieroglyphs) will be, "We played this game 5,000 years ago. It's bloody coming home, innit"
  10. Pffft. You barely scraped together the bribe required to join the fluff team.
  11. Playing off for my TT league championship on Wednesday against a Human team I've beaten twice. https://tourplay.net/en/blood-bowl/roster/9447 W/D/L record: Friendlies: 2/2/1 League: 8/4/1 Tournament (Big V): 4/2/0 Overall 14/8/2 and about to play off for the league title. notbad.jpg What's working for me? I think the biggest thing is always assuming a vampire is going to fail its AS roll. If it's important enough to do that AS roll, then it's probably important enough to bite a friendly. Therefore, keeping the team in a cohesive formation on field is, by far, the most important thing you have to do. Vamps need adjacency. If a vamp block needs an assist, you need that assist to be a player you won't bite. I've been lucky that many opponents don't understand that and choose push directions that I like. Sure, there's times when it all goes wrong, and you're relying on successful 4+ rolls for key actions, but that's been the exception rather than the rule so far. Gaze cancelling skills + using multi rerolls in a single turn is what makes vamps worth the challenge. Gazing blodgers then hitting them is a fun mini-game. In one of the friendlies I gazed a gnoblar so I could surf it XD Most matches I've won have been because of a big turn on defense, breaking the cage and sacking the ball carrier, burning through as many rerolls as necessary to get that outcome.
  12. Season 27 update. Welcome @SoapyTheBum to the multiple winner list! They're on a streak!
  13. BONE TAPPING MORE AWARE WOLVES GOOD TRICK OR CHEATING? The Magritta Lurkers are enjoying a spectacular season thanks to the remarkable form of their werewolves. Both have been demonstrating a tactical nous not often seen in such senselessly savage blood bowl players. Orca Onion News investigations have revealed their secret! Star wight Nekrrek Shadowguard couldn't help but brag to our underground reporter... "It works a treat! A nice juicy orc legbone in my pocket keeps the wolf in formation, and I just need to smear some juices on an opponent for the wolf to know who to attack. And of course, if a wolf gets the ball I just throw him a bone... in the endzone!" Now the secret's out, it surely won't be long until a Khemri team use their surplus of available bones to distract the wolves and defeat the Lurkers on the pitch.
  14. rough season, but new season new start
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