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  1. Post Mortem Game Nine "I can't write without a reader. It's precisely like a kiss--you can't do it alone." --John Cheever Fanta: Howdy Sports Fans! Well, this is it, the final game of the season, and you're all here for the same reason, to see how Literal Pain finished up their first season! Well, wonder no more, and let's get down to the business of breaking down this last exciting game. Literal Pain faced off against A Wight to Remember, and this was one match that this team will be remembering for a long time to come. The weather was nice and LP decided to kick, having little experience facing off against undead teams Soapy was overheard saying, 'Well, let's see what they can do.' And it turns out they were ready to do plenty. To start off with, the kick, which was nice and deep, gave AWtR enough time to shift a bit on the pitch as the ball was so Quickly Snapped. So their ghouls moved back towards the ball and some of their zombies shuffled up. But moving their ghouls was not even neccessary as the ball was kicked so deep that it bounced right off the pitch resulting in a touchback. The Lineorcs did their job, getting punched in the face, and they did fine, except for John who found himself stunned after being punched by a mummy.. AWtR was able to quickly move the ball up and LP began their assault to try and get near the ball carrier while holding back the undead tide. The defensive line that LP set up did little to hold them back as they pushed up the pitch and stunned another orc, this time Blitzer Caleb. And while LP tried to respond to the assult, they found that their hits were coming up empty, and AWtR was able to easily punch a hole through the defensive line and the ghoul ball carrier made their way deep into the backfield after they KO'd John Barf. But with some aggresive blocks LP found that Jane was able to blitz one corner of AWtR's cage and she was able to base the ball carrier. But all that Jane got for her trouble was a punch in the gob that left her stunned, Kate, who was on the other side of the pitch also found herself on the wrong end of a mummy's fist and was also stunned this turn. And while LP was tied up with all AWtR's players, the ghoul ball carrier was able to make it even further down the field and out of striking distance of any of LP's players. AWtR continued to move their players down, screening off the ball carrier and allowing them to decide when it was that they'd want to score. This gave them ample opportunity to get in all the free shots that they could on LP's players. LP found that with most of it's players laying down on the pitch it was hard to get any momentum going. With no real choice, LP once again took some risky blocks trying to get something cooking this half, only to continue the theme of coming up empty. But once again they were able to base the ball carrier, but nothing more than that. With the half almost over, AWtR continued to hold onto the ball near the endzone and then finally on Turn 8 they had their ghoul run it on in and score, winning their drive. As the second half started the newest member of LP came onto the pitch, Mr. Throw himself, John Cleever. The kick placed the ball in the middle of LP's half of the field and it was just in reach of John, who said he was very excited to show these guys how to handle the ball. With such enthusiasm coming from John, he seemed to inspire some of the blitzers and Caleb actually KO'd one of the Line Zombies right before Johnn picked up the ball, but as jane tried to dodge away from a mummy, she was caught in their bandages and failed to get away. This allowed AWtR to set up an excellent screen and LP found themselves trying to reposition themselves towards the middle of the pitch. AWtR responded with some brutal blocks, stunning more players and started to box in LP. So another round of repositioning as they tried to move the ball up one of the lesser defended wide zones, but found themselves stalled out again because of AWtR's excellent positioning , so that LP found themselves in a net that was being draw in tighter and tighter. With the blocks just coming up as pushes and no removals it was looking dire for LP and one wonders if they would even be able to get the ball into AWtR's half of the pitch. In the panic of trying to move the ball somewhere else, it turns out that LP left Cleaver open, and while the Ghoul who came down to try and take him out wound up getting a punch in the nose for their trouble, so it seems that the ball would be safe for at least one more turn. And that next turn meant that it was time for the desperation pass, unfortunately while John has sure hands, he does not have the pass skills needed and he dropped the ball. This allowed AWtR to run in and pick up the ball, and surprisingly, when the ghoul picked up the ball and ran with it, they tripped on the turn, stunning themselves and dropping the ball, giving John yet another chance to try to pass it upfield. But the ball was intercepted by a mummy, (Who knew they were so tall?) and the dream was shattered. All that was left was for AWtR to take their blocks and see what damage they would do as the game ended with a score of 1-0. On the bright side, no deaths or permanent injuries and it seems that the team was ready to take what they learned and see how they would do competing in season 22. Will this blog continue to follow them in the next season? Who knows, as the writer Lawrence Durrell has said, "Every book is a kiss. But there are plenty of people by whom one has no desire to be kissed." For those of you who have read these blogs, thank you. And Soapy asked me to add, 'And to those of you who I've played, thanks for being such good sports about it all. Each of these games really have been a blast and I've learned so much from so many of you. I sometimes worry that my inexperience shows, but you've all been just wonderful opponents and I do look forward to facing some of you again. And as for the players I'm not looking forward to facing, that is only because I'm terrified of facing some of you again."
  2. One of the reasons I started playing orcs was because I didn't want to deal with the pressure of trying to figure out how to do the one turns. I assume that one day I'll start branching out and playing different teams, but at the moment I'm finding that the whole push/sidestep mechanic still confounds me. I mean, I understand the rules on how it all works, it's just with the countdown timer and so much to think about with the game, it makes my brain itch in the same way that a real 'thinky' logic puzzle will make my brain itch, so I know that there is a solution there somewhere, but my brain just can't see how to arrive at the proper place, hence why positioning is one of my weak points. As they say though, identifying the problem is the first step to correcting it, so hopefully as I play more and watch more games I'll start to develop some better gameplay. And that was such a fun match, I'm really do love see agility teams like elves played well like you did. That turn where you just got the ball all the way up the field was just a treat. I know people like to call it 'Elf Bullshit,' when they do stuff like that, but I can't help but be impressed by moves like that.
  3. Post Mortem Game Eight 'The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity' --Arthur Miller Fanta: Greetings sports fans! Here it is, the penultimate game of the season and what do we have to look forward to Orcs versus Elves! A classic match up if there ever was one. Literal Pain would be facing off against the SuperNaut Silverheads and the weather was not looking too bright. In fact it was downright overcast and snowing as the SNS chose to receive the ball. The kick was somewhat short and being that close to the ball seemed to get the players of LP real excited and they could not wait for the match to officially start and they just Blitzed! and started moving in on the SNS players. Knowing how fast and slippery elves could be, LP positioned themselves across the pitch forming their traditional screen, hoping it would be somewhat effective this game. SNS responded to LP's aggressive positioning by grabbing the ball and moving it back to their own downfield and set up a defensive line themselves, securing the ball and preventing any of the LP players form slipping back there to threaten their ball carrier. And while they could not get down towards the ball carrier, they moved the line up, and with a blitz Vol Tear was able to injure one of the LineElves, giving LP an advantage in the numbers department. And with this advantage they pressed the line further up. The elves responded with some savage hits of their own, knocking down multiple players and keeping the ball in their back field, out of the reach of any of LP's players. And while fearing to over extend themselves, LP continued to press in pushing up the line and trying to get closer to the ball carrier, this left both wide zones open for the elves to use if they so decided, and seeing a majority of our strength on one side of the pitch, the SNS began to move the ball up the other side. And LP was able to get some orcs on the ball carrier, it was not enough to stop the elves and they quickly dodged out, ran up the field, and handed off the ball to another player, allowing them to quickly move it across the entire field and into a safe area of the pitch! These were some great moves by the SuperNaut Silverheads and by the time LP realized how far the ball had moved, it was too late. With only two players being able to reach the ball carrier, the loner who joined the team for just this game decided to show their worth and blitzed, (only to fail it and then fail the reroll because somebody forgot that loner rolls were a thing.) but they came up with less then zero and were knocked on their can for the effort. With no threats within range of the ball carrier SNS was in a position where they could stall scoring for as long as they liked, the only threat they faced was being punched by the players on LP, and besides that first injury, it was mostly knocking elves over and the rare stun. Then on Turn six, SNS put one of their players in the endzone and tried a quick pass to score, maybe it was the snow, or the sun breaking through the clouds, but as the pass was made, the reciever fumbled it, then when they tried again, they fumbled it again! leaving the ball to rest in the endzone, now all LP needed to do was pick up the ball and get it away from there to prevent SNS from scoring. But it turns out that LP could not make it happen. And SNS was able to push enough orcs away that they cleared the ball and got it into the endzone. The snow continued to come down as the elves kicked the ball to LP and during the usual LoS blocks, LP managed to injure an elf, but not much more. And at halftime the score was 1 nil. At the start of the second half, LP found themselves up by two players and with the LoS blocks, knocking out one of the elves, they were up a third player and Vol Tear was able to pick the ball up and into a semi-protected position. SNS were having none of this and after blitzing in found that they were basing our ball carrier. But the newest player Len DIE-Ton managed to injure the elf basing our ball carrier freeing up Vol Tear to move to a more safe location. But before he moved, yet another elf was injured, leaving just six players on the pitch for SNS. LP continued to move the ball up the field as SNS did their best to screen the orcs in and hamper their forward movement. With two players basing LP's ball carrier after the SNS's last turn, it was time to unleash the wizard and try to free the ball carrier with a well placed fireball, while the fireball took out two players, knocking them to the pitch, the two players that were basing the ball carrier were fine, but with some well placed blocks, the ball carrier was freed up and they made their way frantically down the pitch towards the endzone, with only a tiny bit of protection, Raymond found himself based by two elves and the ball was knocked right out of his paws. With the ball on the pitch and two elves right next to it, LP wondered if it would be able to retrieve the ball, but when one of the elf blitzers was blocked, he fell over onto the ball and the scatter was caught by Black Orc Blocker John, who made his way into the endzone on the next turn, bringing the score to 1-1. Now LP only needed to worry about the one turner from those tricky elves. While setting up the turn 16 defense, it seems that Caleb and Marcel missed the memo and were out of position when the 'setup complete' was said (This was just a horrible misclick, I really need to use the 'save setup' feature to stop me from doing this to myself). And while the SNS should have pulled off that one turn attempt, something went wrong and they ended just shy of the endzone, leaving the game 1-1. What a crazy turn of events that was! And again, a game with a bunch of injuries but no deaths! And be here next week folks when LP faces off against undead, it really should be 'A wight to remember.' Till then, I will see you in the sport pages!
  4. Post Mortem Game Seven 'Self knowledge is always bad news.' --John Barth Fanta: Salutations sports fans! It seems the last time I wrote up this article the computer ate it so here I am writing this up again! What a game it was folks and let me tell you, going through it a second time is not my idea of fun, especially for how brutal it went, Chaos's Claw vs Orcs Armour! But time and tides (and lunch) wait for no orc, so let us get this show on the road and get to what you are all here for, some Blood Bowl action! LP faced off against Engineering Chaos in this round and after winning the toss LP decided to kick to EC and see what chaos would do. LP was so excited to play that they did not wait for the kick to even finish they just BLITZED and got right in the face of EC. Knocking one of their dwarfs over and trying to form a line that would make it difficult for EC to move the ball up the field. EC responded by getting right into LP's faces and started punching, knocking William out for the rest of the drive, putting LP in the familar position of being down a player. EC was also able to secure the ball with one of their hobby-gobbies. With EC having the ball, LP decided to try to keep the pressure on, and moved in trying to form a line that they'd have some difficulty getting around, but as they started knocking over orcs and keeping their players tied up with ours so that it was more of a full on donnybrook than a game of Blood Bowl. The hits were fast and furious from EC and they continued to knock over or stun the orcs. With so many orcs knocked over on one side of the pitch, EC was able to move the ball down, but their ball carrier was close to the edge of the pitch, allowing LP to make a desperate blitz that knocked the ball carrier over and the ball scattered out of bounds, bouncing back in downfield, but with no orcs able to secure the ball, it was anyones at this point. EC was able to again knock over or stun most of LP and their Bull Centaur fumbled the pick up, but with no orcs within range they knew they'd have another chance shortly. Lp did manage to knock out one of the hobby-gobbies, so at least the two teams were even on numbers. Until the next turn when EC punched Jane so hard that her back was broken, luckily for her the apothecary was able to patch up her back, leaving her with a broken jaw, that would only put her out for one game. EC was also able to secure the ball. LP in response was able to get a blitzer next to their ball carrier, but it was a shortlived victory as they quickly hit them off and were able to move the ball up field to a much more secure place. As Kate attempted to get to said ball carrier, she was tripped by one of the defending players, allowing EC to move the ball even closer to the endzone. LP attempted to get some players to be close enough to at least pressure the ball carrier, but could not seem to get much going and on turn eight, EC was able to easily run the ball into the endzone, bringing the score to 1 nill. With the opening of the second half, the kick landed in the middle of the backfield and after taking the usual LoS hits, William attempted to pick up the ball, and did not succeed. After he dropped the ball EC was up and they took full advantage of this fumble, running one of their Bull Centaurs down the field to get right next to the ball as the other bull centaur wrapped around the other side of the line and came down. LP sprang into action, running most of the players back to deal with this twin threat. LP did manage to pick the ball up and run it up field into a protected cage, but as EC moved in to surround the cage and start battering LP's players, they injured Edgar, and do you know what we call a blitzer who has lost a point of Movement Allowance? Fired, that's what. With EC putting the pressure on, LP caged up the ball, but EC was right there to hem the cage in and screen the downfield so that the options for where LP was going to go were extremely limited. And as orcs tried to get some momentum going and move the ball quickly upfield, they found that their hits were not doing any real damage and the net kept closing in tighter and tighter around them. With the ball being based by a bull centaur, LP knew they were in trouble, and with the hits doing nothing more than pushing EC away, they found themselves stalled out in the middle of the field. EC was able to get a hit on the ball carrier and knock it right out of William's paws. EC was not able to secure the ball though, and Vol Tear was able to rush in a grab it. But having the ball and nowhere to go was not going to win any games, but as LP tried to clear some of the Chaos players away, they found that it was not meant to be and John was KO'd when he attempted to block a bull centaur. With the ball carrier exposed, EC was able to blitz William, and one of the hobby-gobbies grabbed the ball and ran down the field with it. They then were able to hand it off to a dwarf on turn sixteen and score, bringing the total to 2 nil and win the game. What a game folks! So much punching! So many hits, yet no deaths, guess you can't get everything. And hope to see you all next week as Literal Pain is facing off against some elves again. So take care sports fans!
  5. Post Mortem Game Six 'To be alive at all is to have scars.' --John Steinbeck Fanta: Howdy Sports fans! What an exciting match we had today, Literal Pain faced off against Skaven in this sixth game of the season. Liverat! OCC won the toss and decide to kick the ball and see what Literal Pain would do with it once they had it. The initial kick was deep and landed near our newest Lineorc, Arthur Wind-Miller. The Orcs on the LoS did an admirable job of knocking down some of the rats, but only one injury occured, and that was on a loner rat, but the team was happy to be finally up on numbers for once. But as Arthur picked up the ball and tried to pass it off to Edgar, he fumbled it and dropped it behind himself. And to make up for us being up a player, Liverat! moved their mighty blow StormVermin in and KO'd Jane. So the teams were back on equal footing. And with Jane's departure, a large hole was now opened on one of the wide areas, allowing the rats to swarm that side of the field. As the rats begin to move into LP's backfield, the orcs responded by drawing back and trying to secure the ball. With this added pressure it was all up to Edgar to secure that ball and move it to a safer position on the field. Unfortunately Edgar was not up to the task and fumbled the pickup, even when he tried a second time he failed. The rats quickly moved in and tried to secure the ball, they blitzed Arthur, and as he fell on the ball it scattered to land behind Edgar. Liverat! ran in and tried to scoop up the ball, but they also could not seem to hold onto it and it scattered around, almost being caught by several players until it finally came to rest on the pitch directly next to the endzone and in one of the Gutter Runner's tackle zones. LP decided to forgo the surf that they could have attempted on the Gutter Runner and decided to secure the ball instead, and suprisingly enough Vol Tear managed to pick it up. This is most likely because out of all the players that Coach Soapy wanted to have holding the ball, Vol Tear was on the bottom of that list. And due to the fact that LP didn't surf that player, Vol Tear found himself being punched so hard he fell right off the pitch, and the ball scattered halfway across the field and landed near one of the Liverat! lineman who was able to pick up the ball and run it toward the endzone, The next turn LP found that they were able to surf one of the rats, paying them back for what they did to Vol Tear. But they were no closer to stopping Liverat! from scoring. But Liverat! wasn't interested in scoring so early, seeing that they could still stall it out at least another turn. Taking some shots on LP and knocking down two blitzers. LP again found that they just could not get any traction nor momentum this turn and were only able to move some players closer to the scoring threat, finally forcing Liverat! to score on turn five. At the start of the next drive, the kick went high and this allowed Edgar to get under the ball and catch it. The typical LoS hits occured, with some knockdowns, but no knockouts. LP quickly started running the ball up the field hoping to pull off a quick score with the few turns remaining to them. Liverat! did a great job however of screening off the advance of LP and the team decided to try to move the ball quickly up the less defended side, making some risky moves as they ran up the field. The mobility of the Skaven was on full display as they quickly adjusted their screen to again hem in LP. With no choice, LP went with the a quick pass so that the Raymond, who was in scoring position, could make a dash for the endzone, but the pass was failed and while LP still managed to hold on to the ball, it was cold comfort as they stared longingly at the endzone that was so near, yet still so far away. As the ref blew the whistle the score was one nil in favor of Liverat! OCC. With the ball being kicked to them we would now see what those Skaven would get up to and what tricks they would be able to pull off. And the psychotic fan that has been following Soapy around made their return! And when they Threw A Rock it stuck not a player form LP, but it actually stunned one of the LiveRat!s! And the psycho fan wasn't the only returning villain, Soapy with his poor counting skills left one of his wide zones unprotected by having his Black Orc too close to the center, allowing the rats to pour down that side of the field, taking advantage of the short kick. Liverat! moved the ball up, but after their pass went wrong, LP was able to move in and surround the ball, but when William tried to pick it up, it scattered towards an area of the field where the Skaven had control. But even though they had the ball in a safe area, they seemed to be having the same problem as LP and could not seem to pick the ball up. With the ball on the pitch, LP moved in, but could not get near the ball. Seeing how much pressure was being put on the ball, Liverat! decided to just go for a quick pick up and score. Bringing the score to two nil. LP found some traction and was able to injure one of the linerats and pick up the ball on the first try and then begain to try to position the players so that they'd have some type of pitch control moving forward. Liverat! countered with their screen, but finally it seemed that LP had something going as they started to remove some of the other teams players, until a failed GFI by one of the black orcs left Edgar, the ball carrier, wide open. But it seems that luck was on the side of LP, as the attacking rat was the punchee instead of the puncher when they attacked Edgar. Edgar found himself freed by a blitz and he quickly ran upfield into the saftey of a well build orc cage. And momentum seemed to be on LP's side as they found themselves able to advance the ball again up the pitch. On the next turn Edgar found himself able to reach the endzone, and he went in for the quick score. But with that last kickoff the psycho who threw a rock last time was back at it and they seemed to correct their last mistake and when they Threw a Rock it hit Jane square in the head, stunning her. But at least Soapy actually put his players in the right positions this time when they set up the team. On the last turn LP found they could not secure the ball after they punched it out of the player who was holding it and the game ended with the score being 2-1. An exciting game from start to finish with most of the removals coming too late to be of any real help to LP. Well sport fans, hope to see you all next time to see what this bunch gets up to as they face off against Chaos! This should be exciting and I do hope to see you there.
  6. Post Mortem Game Five "I don't know where am going, but i am on my way." --Voltaire Fanta: Greetings sports fans! Fanta here with the latest update on what Literal Pain has been getting up to. This last game the team faced off against Wotchalicious, a sturdy group of dwarves. Having won the toss LP decided to kick the ball 'and see what Wotchalicious would be capable of.' Soapy is said to have thought. The kick was short, so short that the reciever that Wotchalicious had could not reach it, but the quick footed Orcs, seeing the ball landing so close to the LoS that they could not contain themselves and Blitzed! the line, aggressively positioning themselves directly under the ball and caging up around it. Will the over commitment of the orcs pay off? As most of the orcs shift position the ball lands directly in Vol Tear's meaty paws, and he hunches there, with only Jane giving him any support. The dwarves quickly take out John Barf and Williamm Foulkner who are standing on the line. But when they Blitz Vol Tear he manages to fend off the Troll Slayer as they snarl and face off against each other. In response Raymond punches away a Long Beard so he can help support Vol. The other orcs run up the field to offer assistance and Calab clears off another dwarf who was threatening the ball carrier and then Vol himself punches the TrollSlayer, knocking him down and retreating back downfield to a safer position. With the ball secure LP decided to try to reorganize for a more cohesive forward push. Wotchalicious does it's best to disrupt our lines and while they manage to knock down some orcs, nothing seemed to stick and LP managed to reform a somewhat more defensive position. Another push by the Wotcholicous and while their blows seemed to land, LP's armor held strong. On Turn four the first removal occured as Kate knocked out a Long Beard, putting LP up on the numbers side. With this removal LP decided to move the ball up a bit. And again Wotchalicious found that their assaults were just not gaining any traction, in a move they blitzed the ball carrier, but it resulted in their attacker being wounded and an opportunity for LP to rush the ball further down the field where Vol Tear tried quick passing the ball to Caleb hoping to let Caleb score, but caleb fumbled the catch, leaving the ball on the pitch, luckily some of the other players were able to quickly move in and secure the ball as Caleb scooped it up and held it close. The rest of LP continued to pummel the other team. But Caleb was struck the next turn by a dwarf, knocked down and the ball slid from his hand, leaving it free again! Vol Tear tried to pick it up after all the punching was over, but it slipped from his hands and bounced around a bunch before again coming to rest on the pitch. On Turn seven Vol Tear managed to pick up the ball and run it in for a quick touchdown. There was no one turn attempt, so it was the end of the half with no major events. Since it was LP's drive now they set up an aggresive line putting most of their players on the LOS. Again being so excited about how the first half went they Quickly Snapped the ball and moved up aggressively on the line. But it resulted in at worst a stun on one of the Long Beards and a stun on a blitzer. Vol Tear, having so much fun last half playing with the ball, picked it up again and .got ready for a long run with it. Setting themselves up right behind the LOS on the next turn. Wotchalicous struck right back and knocked over a bunch of LP players, but again, no removals. So picking a side, LP set themselves up in one wide zone and hoped to screen the rest of Wotchalicous away from the ball carrier. John Barf was knocked out, and the screen meant to hold back the dwarfs barely was holding, But some lucky pows allowed LP to again reposition the ball in the backfield as Wotchalicous kept them hemmed in. They kept applying pressure and closing in closer and closer, injuring Edgar in the process, so at least now the two teams were even on players. Having repositioned, Wotchalicious began closing in on LP's ball carrier, knocking down orcs left and right, but not doing any proper damage, but they did manage to get two dwarves to base the ball carrier. LP cleared the ball carrier, letting Raymond begin moving up the field, but with very few places to go. Leaving the ball somewhat covered, LP moved it as far up as they could. Wotchalicious seeing the opening pounced and surfed Raymond, meaning the ball would be thrown back in! It bounced a bit and landed downfield close to Wotchalicious's endzone, the dwarves, however, found they could not pick up the ball and this allowed LP to snag the ball and hold it till the end of the second half, securing the victory for LP 1-0. What an exciting game folks! All that running back and forth, who would have thunk it? Those stumpy little legs sure move fast when they want them to! (OOC: Sorry about the delay, I got into a new 'hobby' and I've had some vacation, but I'll get caught up, no worries.)
  7. Post Mortem Game Four "Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain." --William Faulkner Fanta: Greetings sports fans! An exciting match was played when Literal Pain faced off against the Vauxhall Venators. Coach Soapy has claimed that he's heard rumors of how powerful those wearwoofs can be with their claws, but boy-howdy, was it something else to see in person. But if you stayed home and missed the action at least you have me, Fanta, your on the pitch reporter ready to breakdown the game for you The weather was nice and the Vauxhall Venators chose to kick, but since our last game was so much fun it seemed the fans had come to see us play and the crowd was really on our side for this drive. The fans seemed to be a bit too exuberant and charged the field. Stunning six of the Venators and only Caleb from LP. This was a very fortunate start for LP and they tried to take advantage of their fortune quickly. The Ventators' line zombies were very sturdy and stood up to our hits and when Marcel blitzed the flesh golem, it only resulted in a knockdown. But Vol Tear managed to pick up the ball. The Vauxhall Venators, still recovering from the pitch invasion, responded by knocking down our lineman, and also knocking out Marcel. And while LP managed to get the ball somewhat up the pitch, they were pushed towards the edge and as the Venators players got up they began to block LP in. When LP tried to push back and clear some room for themselves, they found that their attacks were futile and they only managed to push the ball up a little further, leaving it somewhat unprotected but also in a scoring position. The Venators had longer plans in mind and while they took what blocks they could on LP they blitzed Jane, and KO'd a second black orc, leaving LP down two players on turn 4. Hoping the cheers from the crowd would awaken the downed players, Vol Tear ran the ball into the endzone scoring for LP, but Jane stayed KO'd so LP's Guard Black Orc was not coming back for this second drive. The Vauxhall Venators quickly went to work and started knocking down players, as all the linemen went down, William Foulkner went down especially hard and was KO'd, so LP was now down two players. And the Vauxhall Venators picked up the ball with no difficulties and secured it behind their line. LP tried to form a defensive line, but VV just began punching their way right through it and basing all the other players. And after lining up like that it was only natural that LP would respond by punching them right back. The few hits that were thrown were pretty unefective and Caleb decided to dodge away and he failed miserably, so miserably that he injured himself, putting LP down yet another player. The Vauxhall Venators continued to pick away at LP, taking out the Lineman that was auditioning for the team. Seeing that he was injured, it was pretty clear he wasn't going to make the cut. His injury also opened the way for the Vauxhall Venators to push on through with the ball. Seeing themselves in some desperate straights, LP tried some risky dodges to try to get someone into a position that could possible stop the ball. This meant that Raymond Fist would make a daring dash away from multiple opponents just to blitz a wight and stand in front of the ball carrier. But it made no difference as the Vauxhall Venators blitzed Ray down and continued to try to murder the rest of LP. Vol Tear, not wanting Ray to get all the glory tried his own desperate move, dashing between a wight and a woof to take a swing at the ball carrier, but after getting all the way across the field and facing off against him, Vol Tear needed to catch his breath and got punched in the snoot for all his trouble. Even with the clock ticking down, the Vauxhall Venators continued to try to murder LP, but after only pushing the black orc around, they ran the ball into the endzone, ending the half and bringing the game to a tie. With the start of the second half LP found themselves down three players, a blizer, black orc, and lineorc, but being used to being down players LP figured they'd do what they could do. The offense for VV went well, they were able to knock over all three orcs guarding the line and pick up the ball and secure it. LP moved into position to try to form some type of defensive line, things looked a lot similar to the second half of the first half. The hits came in hard and fast, but the Orc armor held and while most everyone got knocked down nobody was knocked out. There was not much to do in response except take what hits we could, culminating in Raymond knocking himself out with another failed dodge as he tried to escape. The Vauxhall Venators continued the assault on LP and they knocked out Vol Tear. In a desperate bid to put some type of pressure on the ball Edgar Allan POW blitzed himself past a zombie and made a move to get close to the woof that was holding the ball. This pressure caused the VV to move the ball up and secure it in a cage. They then took out William, KOing him leaving LP only six members. Kate jumped up and took a swipe at the wight guarding the corner of the cage, and with a push she found herself stand next to to the ball carrier. Would this be enough to stop the other teams march down the pitch with the ball? No, as they quickly used their overwhelming numbers to assist a hit on Kate and they moved the ball closer to the endzone. The offense continued, as they blocked most of the orcs, even knocking out John Spinebreak, leaving LP at five. The Vauxhall Venators stalled out the rest, screening their players from any form of attack, and handed the ball off to one of their flesh golems so that they could eventually score. Bringing the final tally to 2-1 in Vauxhall Venators' favor. It was a wild ride all right! But while there was a lot of injuries, no deaths and nothing permanent. Be with us next time folks when LP will face off against some Dwarves or Dwarfs! I've heard it both ways.
  8. Post Mortem Game Three "Nothing takes the heart out of a man more than the expectation of failure." --Robin Hobb Fanta: Well fans if you missed this last game you missed another game that was for the books! What an exciting game of Blood Bowl was had and I am here to fill you in on all you have missed so buckle up and get ready for an amazing story. Literal Pain won the coin toss and chose to kick off to the Fun Fumblers. The fans were there to see the Fun Fumblers it would seem and they were right off the line when the ball was kicked and they Quickly Snaped into action getting ready to seccure the ball after it landed close the the line of scrimmage near the side of the pitch. The Fumblers then began taking out the Lineman, knocking down two of them, with a stun to William. After they finished their hits they quickly picked up the ball and positioned themselves in a defensive screen. LP answered this with a defensive screen, hoping to keep the Fumblers from moving the ball down the pitch too quickly. Robin was having none of it and blitzed one of their linemen, laying him out and stunning him, while the rest of the team positioned themselves. The Fun Fumblers poked at our defensive line and were able to knock over Jane, and after she was down, they tried to take advantage of the hole in the line, but their lineman who swung around slipped on the grass at the end and laid himself out, ending their turn. LP, knowing how fast elves can move the ball when they're motivated began to slowly move in on the FF, trying to make it more difficult for them to move the ball up quickly, but they were able to sneak a lineman down field and when they punched Matt Rough they injured him permanently and he lost a point of strength. Good thing LP is used to playing down orcs and responded to the elf advance by trying to cover the elves we could while still holding them back, but they found ample opportunities to move their elves down and into scoring position. The game of cat and mouse continued, as the FF would move their elves into safe positions and they would be followed by orc trying to be sure to either base them or be in interception range of any passes. The Fun Fumblers then managed with a hand off and a pass move the ball down the entire field in the blink of an eye and run it into the endzone, dodging past all of the orcs that stood in their way. Leaving the score at one to nil on turn four, leaving LP four turns to see if they could score. As the Fun Fumblers got ready to kick of to LP, it seems Soapy's nemesis was hiding somewhere in the stadium, but this time the maniac with a rock missed any of LP and hit one of the elves, stunning him in the process. LP followed up the carnage with some hits of their own and Robin knocked out a line elf. Raymond managed to secure the ball and LP started their attempt to move it up field as quickly as possible. But in their haste, they left the wrong corner of the cage exposed,, and with some quick footwork one of the elves made their way into blitzing distance and punched Raymond right in the gob, and he dropped the ball. John Barf was standing in the right spot and he grabbed it on the bounce. With this opportunity John ran with the ball to the other side of the field and with a daring hand off let Vol Tear have the ball, he then ran it up field so that he could attempt to actually score it next turn, but with almost no coverage it was a long shot to say the least, but next turn he managed to survive the elf blows and dodge away and get the ball into the endzone, tying up the score. The Fun Fumblers again were off like a shot after our quick and they quickly jumped into action and after they caught the ball on their own Line of Scrimmage they began punching our linemen in earnest. None of the blows did any real damage. The second half opened with the two teams even on players and a very fortunate kick for the Fun Fumblers who were on defence. The ball, once again, was set to land on the line of scrimmage. With the Blitz! that the Fun Fumblers had with the kick off, they positioned themselves to take full advantage of that short kick. Putting an elf right under it and taking Kate who happened to be standing near that square. LP jumped into action and began to try to figure out how to get the ball back, and after taking some line hits, they then started moving in on the elf ball carrier, but Vol Tear couldn't do more than push the elf blitzer back a square. Which then allowed them to just reposition in their own back field and get an elf behind our lines and be a scoring threat. But Robin was not going to let that happen and she punched the elf so hard that he died. LP continued to try to pressure the elves into giving them the ball back for their half, but they just kept running thems-elves past us, and Robin kept punching them, this second one she only knocked out. FF kept slipping past our defenses and they managed to move the ball up to the midfield and have it protected. So the orcs tried to reposition to again hem the ball and ball carrier in, and while a hit was made on the ball carrier, they were able to just dodge away, then the elves struck back and struck hard, punching Robin Hobb-le and killing her. But luckily the team had an Apothecary! But unluckily, the apothecary was Doc Brown, and after he did his best, she was still dead. After all the heavy hitting she had been doing this reporter thought she would be a shoe in for this games MVP, now she is just this games RIP. Her death allowed the FF to run through the defenses, stun Ray and get into scoring range. LP answered back with Kate Chop-in injuring a lineman and Marcel knocked out another one. Vol Tear punched their ball carrier down, knocking the ball right out of his hands. And when he tried to pick it up later, it fell off the pitch and the bounce in was well placed for LP, close enough to the FF's endzone so that LP had a slim chance to retrieve it and score. As the Fumblers raced to try and secure the ball LP countered and William Foulkner was able to sneak in, snatch up the ball and get it into the endzone, bringing the score to 1-2 in LP's favor on turn 16. What an amazing game folks! But it wasn't over yet! On the final turn Soapy's nemesis saw his chance and threw another rock! Hiting Raymond Fist, but it was just a knock out! so only one death and one permanent injury was the cost of this victory. Be sure not to mix the next match Fans! It should be something else as it will be Literal Pain versus Undead. What a match that will be!
  9. Post Mortem Game Two "Every person you encounter, whom you interact with, is there to teach you something. Sometimes it may be years before you realize what each had to show you." --Raymond E. Feist, Rise of a Merchant Prince Fanta: Greetings sports fans if you missed this game you missed out on history. This match was really something else, so without any further ado let's begin this weeks Post Mortem where the Ogre Cola Takeovers faced off against Literal Pain. Literal Pain won the coin flip, and the fame, and chose to kick the ball. Having never faced ogres before, Coach Soapy figured the team was sturdy enough to stand up against the ogres and strong enough to hurt some of the gnoblers. After the kick we found that Coach Soapy had given the team some notes and they quickly scrambled into a new defensive line, you could say that it was a Perfect Defence. The Ogre Cola Takeovers wasted no time getting right in the teams face but with two of the Ogres bone-heading and only some shoves from their opening attack. They were able to pick up the ball right away with one of their gnoblers. And LP answered right back, with Vol Tear blitzing a gnobler and knocking the little guy right out. Then William Foulkner punched one of the ogre's right in the bread basket knocking him down, but not out. The OCT was quick to respond and blitzed our blitzer Raymond, knocking him down and covering him making it difficult to have him quickly get back into the action. And with that secure positioning the OCT tried a handoff with their gnobler and he attempted to pass it to one of the ogres who dropped the ball. LP, with not many good targets, decided to blitz an ogre, hoping to use that opening to start putting some pressure on the ball. But the hit by Kate came up empty and the result was only a push. Raymond decided to try to get out of his precarious position, but he could not dodge away from the two gnoblers and he landed hard enough on the pitch to stun himself. OCT, seeing our feint towards the ball, quickly moved their ogres into a more defensive position and came at the weaker defensive position and blitzed Marcel, knocking him down. With the ball being somewhat secure, they tried again to hand off to an ogre, but the result again failed, but scattered in a secure spot for the OCT. LP again moved in on the tightly packed OCT, hoping to catch a lucky break, and Caleb was able to blitz an exposed gnobler, stunning him, but nothing more. On the other side of the pitch, with some questionable decisions in turn ordering, Robin took a swing at an ogre and after pushing them away, Jane tried to dodge away from the same said ogre, leading to her being tripped in her haste to get away., the grass again doing a terrible job and she was left stunned. The OCT begin their advance in earnest and after knocking Robin into a surfable position, they fouled Raymond, stunning him in the process. Their turn ended however with a failed pick up of the ball.. With no choice, Marcel took out the ogre that was threatening Robin. Again with some questionable turn ordering, a blitz opportunity was wasted and LP's turn ended with only a push on one of the ogres. The OCT ran their gnoblers right through our defensive line with out any problems, those little guys sure are hard to grab onto when they don't want to be grabbed it seems. It was at this point that OCT were able to secure the ball behind a hefty defensive screen. With two gnoblers somewhat down the pitch, LP decided to spend their turn trying to take them out. But none of the punches were able to connect as with each swing, they just dodged away and sidestepped into better positioning. It was apparent that side step is a skill that Coach Soapy has not learned to deal with in a meaningful way. It seems that the ogres were also watching how the gnoblers were doing because both Raymond and Kate were able to dodge away from the ogres that wee basing them. The OCT formed a sideline cage with their gnobler as they moved the ball downfield. Again the gnoblers slipped right through our defensive line and ran past any opposition. Not to be shown up, when our turn came Matt ran right up to one of the gnoblers dodging right behind him for no obvious reason other than to show him he could do it as well, interesting choice for a first turn action. Robin Hobb-le blitzed one of the gnoblers and for once was able to connect as well as avoid the counter punch by the little thing and she knocked him out, leaving only one gnobler downfield and in scoring position. LP's other players than begin to reposition and got in some good hits on their guys, with plenty of pows, but nothing more than just knocking them down. They answered in kind, stunning Vol Tear.and moving their ball carrier into scoring range. One of the Ogres threw one of the gnoblers downfield, in an attempt to replace the one that had been taken out. and after he crashed into the pitch he jumped up and ran up next to John Barf, maybe he's a secret fan? John Barf, finding himself suddenly standing next to a gnobler punched him right in his gob,, knocking them right out. That'll teach him to ask for an autograph. And even though it had not been able to stop them yet, LP tried again to screen off the endzone from the gnoblers. With it being turn eight, one of the ogres blitzed Robin, who was attempting to screen, and the gnobler was able to easily run the ball in for a turn eight touch down. LP set themselves up for a last turn vanity pass and Coach's ol' nemesis showed up, the crazy fan that throws rocks. Are they just following the coach around to do this or what? And with that William Foulkner was KO'd. And after some punches were thrown that did nothing more than knock some of them down and take out Matt when the ogre counter punched him. With the start of the second half LP found themselves down a player as Bill did not have it in him to return to the game yet. The OCT, on the other hand, had a full team ready to be fielded after they pulled in their two substitute gnoblers. The kick was short, extremely short and it landed right in the hands of John Spinebreak, who also happened to be standing in the center of the LOS. Hoping that if they threw some blocks they could clear up some room to do something LP went into action. Jane took a swing at an ogre after Vol Tear ran over to lend some assistance, Caleb went after one of the exposed gnoblers on the side, but only managed to push him closer to the ball. Again demonstrating that the Coach was not prepared to deal with the skill sidestep. Finally, with no idea of how to secure the ball, John went to get rid of the ball and tried to pass it back to Raymond, but the pass was inaccurate, but after it landed and bounced Ray found the ball had bounced right into his hands, but he again fumbled it and the ball came to rest behind him. With this turn over the OCT again pulled two bone heads on their ogres, but the third and fourth ogres managed to knock down John and stun Matt. Their third ogre bone headed in the backfield, but they still had some gnoblers to move. Again they all ran right past our defensive line and began to encircle our ball. Until one of them was unlucky enough to get caught and was left stunned on the pitch. When it was LP's turn they managed to stun another gnobler and Robin blitzed one, punching them so hard that they were knocked out. Making the two teams even on numbers. Raymond swooped on in and secured the loose ball. Things seemed to be looking p for LP, until Kate tried to punch the ogre that was basing LP's cage and it seemed like when she first punched the ogre he knocked her out instead, and then on a second look, that is exactly what happened, and the turn ended with Kate being knocked down and our ball carrier in serious trouble as she was stunned by the ogre's mighty hit. The OCT quickly moved in and downed our ball carrier, Raymond found himself kocked out LP was once again down a player. This also gave the OCT the chance they needed to run a gnobler in and grab the ball after dashing past two different orcs. They also were able to move one downfield into scoring position Robin bravely dodged away from the ogre basing her, at first it looked like she would be tripped, but it turned out that she actually got away from him and she was able to knock the gnobler who was holding the ball down, stunning him. The OCT again dodged their gnoblers around our men and the Ogres pushed around most of the LP players. One of the gnoblers was able to make it too the ball, but failed the pickup. hoping to finally secure the ball LP started throwing punches at the gnoblers who stayed within punching range. And after Robin knocked one of them down with a stunning punch, Jane found it in her to actually hurt one of them, and while it was nothing major, that gnobler would not be coming back for the rest of the game. But with a badly positioned block, John Barth pushed one of the gnoblers back towards the ball, making any recovery this turn that much harder.. Caleb did manage to pick up the ball, but since John had put a gnobler right there, he was unable to get away with it and was tripped as he attempted to get away. The OCT was in no mood for any fun and games at this point and they immediately knocked out Jane, putting LP once again down players. They then picked up the ball and began moving it down field. With the remaining turn they stunned two more of our players. With no good options left, Caleb made a desperate attack on the ball carrier, hoping to dodge away from an ogre and get a blitz on the ball, but it wasn't meant to be and he was tripped, ending LP's turn very quickly. The OCT moved the ball up to the endzone and were just using the rest of the turn to see what damage they could do to LP, luckily for the team two of the ogres boneheaded. During our turn Caleb managed to knock out a gnobler, but not much of anything else. The OCT continued to pound on our orcs, and then scored at the end of their turn, making the score 2-0. LP seemed to be catching a break, and most of their KO's came back, only William, done in by that rock, was still KO'd at this point. Not that the team would be able to do much with just two turns remaining. The OCT's kicked the ball fairly deep and Jane fumbled the pickup The OCT saw this as a chance to press their advantage and ran an ogre down the field taking out John Barth, the lineman who was meant to be protecting the ball, and a gnobler was thrown who was then able to get within range of picking up the ball. They then positioned a gnobler next to our blitzer Caleb who would have been able to blitz that backfield gnobler, so LP would be left with some touch choices come turn 16. Coach Soapy decided to try blitzing the gnobler that was covering Caleb, but the hit did not connect, so Caleb was still covered, with no blitz left, Jane decided to try to secure the ball and run, but once again the ball slipped through her fingers and she was left just standing next to the ball. After some initial hits by the OCT trying to see what damage they could do the LP, it was time for the gnobler to make his attempt. He came running in, dodging right past Jane, picked up the ball, and then dodged away from her, at first it looked like he tripped over the endzone, but it turned out he had made it and it was a turn 16 score for the OCT. It really was some game folks! Be sure no to miss next week when Literal Pain will face off against some elves!
  10. Post Mortem Game One "He liked Odette to say these things, jus as, if he had been in love with a Breton girl, he would have enjoyed seeing her in a coif and hearing her saying that she believed in ghosts.*" --Swann's Way, In Search of Lost Time, Volume 1 Fanta: Welcome back to an exciting season Soda Fans! While the Jerkz may have scattered, we have a new team to report on this season, Literal Pain, and don't they seem like a fun bunch! And it being the first game the entire team was able to be fielded so it is up to me to give you all the goings on that you missed by slacking off and missing this very first game of the new team. The team was facing off against some Bretonians, and seeing how Soapy did facing off last season against Coach @Ratamo and The Bretstreet Boys, it was understood that this would be a tough match. The Knights of Errands won the fame and the toss and decided to go on the offensive, which worked out in our favor as Coach Soapy was given another chance to set up his defending players, unfortunately the coach didn't take full advantage of this event and while he repositioned some players, it was obvious that they could have done a much better job. It seems like this will be yet another season where the Coach is going to be learning a lot, but like the team motto states, 'Learning can be painful.' And that's going to be a sword that cuts both ways, hopefully. The momentum was on the knights side and they managed to knock down all of our lineman and with a well placed blitz they got Kate right next to the sideline, putting her in a precarious position where she'd soon need to either dodge out or blitz her way out to avoid being surfed. But in their haste the Knights fumbled the ball pickup and it was now time for us to answer back. Our Lineorcs quickly got back on their feet and Robin knocked down one of their linemen, then Caleb made a lucky dodge to blitz another one of their linemen in the hopes of opening up a path for our team to go for the ball, and it almost worked. Their Blitzers were set up to get some easy hits on our Lineorcs that were so quick on their feet, but it only resulted in some pushes, But they did manage to down two of our positionals before they again fumbled the pick up of the ball. The team moved in, putting pressure on them and tried to position in such a way as to make it difficult for them to move the ball if they were able to recover it the next turn. But as they Blitzed Raymond and knocked him out, they were able to protect the ball 's position and also pick it up.and knock down several more orcs in the process. We did find the opportunity to get one of our blitzers covering their ball carrier, but he was quickly knocked down and they were able to form a small cage. The team moved in trying to hem the Knights in, but as the momentum seemed to be on the knights side, they not only knocked down more orcs, but knocked out another one, and William found himself in the casulty box. The Knights of Errands were able to get the ball further down the field and have it well defended so that none of the team could get near the ball carrier. And with just some pushes not much was able to be done to stop the movement of the ball even further down the pitch. Also with some smart positioning, the knights were able to surf Caleb, putting us down three orcs for the remainder of the drive. Jane did manage to surf one of their players in turn, but it was a lousy trade nonetheless. And on turn eight the Knights were able to score. On our last turn of the drive both Raymond and William found the grass too comfortable and they remained sleeping and our team managed to punch some of their lineman and practice a quick pass, but nothing of real importance occured. As the second half started, William remained out, so we were down by 1 orc on the drive, and the team was off like a shot, quickly retrieving the ball an caging up. The Knights began their screening technique and our team repositioned to attempt to get around their defense. Frustratingly they had set up a strong screen and as Robin tried to move up with the ball, she found the way constantly blocked by the knights. So as the team attempted to get some momentum going, but just couldn't find any speed as their hits turned into pushes, the knights, on the other hand, were able to slowly tighten the net around the team leaving little choice for where they could actually go. This game of cat and mouse continued for most of the half. As the team would reposition, the other team would respond in kind. It seemed this stale mate would continue till the end of the game, but another lineorc, this time John, was KO'd and thee Knights were able to close in on the ball carrier and blitz Robin, knocking free the ball and stunning Robin in the process. The Knights quickly put a player into scoring position just in case they were able to retrieve the ball. When Vol Tear blitzed, he failed miserably and the Knights found themselves with the opportunity to retrieve the ball, they KO'd yet another one of the orcs, this time Jane, and luckily fumbled the ball so that they weren't able to make good on a second touchdown and the game ended with Literal Pain losing there first match. John Barf stole the MVP despite doing nothing more than being a punching bag for the entire match. * I just happened to come across that line in Swan's Way and thought it was a funny coincidence that I was getting set to play against Bretonians and he happens to mention a Berton girl. The quote is about how Odette says how smart he is and how he likes to hear it, but it's also just something that he expects to hear from the women he dates, showing just one of the ways that his idea of love is rather toxic, much like it will turn out Marcel's view of love is as well.
  11. It is a new season and because of the events that unfolded after last seasons game, a new team is being fielded by Coach Soapy. As some of you are aware, [REDACTED] is currently being sought for questioning after they allegedly absconded with the money from the team treasury, now the wild spending towards the end of last season seems to make some sense. It seems [REDACTED] was so good at book keeping he was keeping two sets for the restaurant, and the police have some questions for him, but after the last game no one has seen hide nor hair of him, when his wife was questioned, she informed us that she had already left him for some musician and said, 'good riddance to bad rubbish.' Ouch! So enough about those jerks, let's meet the new team! The Powers-That-Be decided that instead of pulling in workers from the restaurant they would pull in some real brains and recruited the team from the local college, the original plan was to recruit some barbarians, but some type of mix-up must have occurred and they went with librarians instead, and when none of the librarians were interested, they decided to just go with some authors. So who are we fielding this season? Let's meet the team that you'll be rooting for to win Division 6C! John Spinebreak: Taking a break from focusing on narratives about the 'common orc,' John is working on doing some research for his latest book 'Of Dice and Men,' about two buddies who share a dream, a dream of owning their own blood bowl pitch that's got a pen full of rabbits. Kate Chop-in: Don't let her attractive, docile, main characters fool you, Kate is a killer, (usually death by drowning,) but she wants some practical knowledge of seeing the light go out of someone's eyes after she slaps 'em so hard it breaks their neck. It seems the thought of playing Blood Bowl has led to an Awakening the blood lust in this fine lady. Marcel Pr-Ouch!: The only thing more complicated than his sentence structure are his plans for how to move the ball up the field, let's hope his team mates can keep up with him. As long as there are no milk maids or duchesses around, he should be able to focus on the game. Jane Austin 3:16: She's got sense, she's got sensibility and she's here to whoop some ass! Vol Tear: This is the best of all possible worlds, and if he's living his best life it means that Vol Tear is going to be tearing your arms out and beating you about the head with them. Robin Hobb-le: The only thing more brutal than what she puts her characters through in her novels is what she plans on doing to her opponents this season. And if you're not familiar with her high fantasy series, you really don't know what you're missing, George R.R. Martin has admitted to 'heavily borrowing' from her works, too bad he wasn't bright enough to steal some endings from her instead of some of the major plot points and those feast descriptions. Caleb CaAARRGH : This prodigy burst onto the literary scene with The Alienist, spoiler alert, there were NO aliens in it! But he's planning on knocking his opponents into orbit with those huge paws! Raymond E. Fist: Yet another high fantasy author hoping to get some practical knowledge of some other races to put into his books so that they can also be properly fleshed out, not really, he just wants to cause some pain so he can better describe them crying in his books. John Barf: A master postmodernist, but will his lack of belief in 'objective truth' be a hindrance to his game play? Hope he doesn't get 'Lost in the Funhouse' again as he's working on his next book, Giles Goat-Boy, it seems to be about some Chaos Beastmen. Matt Rough: While not a hard hitting author, he knows his way around the blood bowl pitch and we'll find out if his practical knowledge will let him play with these big boys and girls. And if he can't handle the heat, he can just go back home to Lovecraft Country. William Foulkner: Taking a break from writing 'The Pound and the Fury,' ol' Bill is trying to work out that 'Benji' section and is coming up with some ideas for another book, 'As You Lay Dying.' , And that's the team. And all you lucky ducks that stay home can rely on me, Fanta, and I'll be giving you the play by play for all the matches that we play this season. So I hope to see you in the stands!
  12. Post Mortem Game Ate Fanta: Well soda fans, it seems the season is getting close to a close and we only have two games left and this week the boys are facing off against some Woodies, and these guys look tough, but so do our boys so it should be a fun scrumble. With all of the boys being needed on the field it looks like it's up to your lovely reporter to fill you all in on what you've missed. The Jade Guardians won the toss and decided to kick the ball to our boys, which may have been a result of the weather being very sunny making their passing game somewhat more difficult. Good thing the boys don't have much of a passing game. As seems normal now, the fans in the stands were against us and one of them threw a rock and hit RC, hitting him right in his bad leg, smashing his ankle and taking him out for the game. This injury also resulted in him having to be cut from the team afterwards, but no worries, his other older brother, RC Jr. was willing to fill in the spot that he left on the team and will make his debut in the next game. On the start of our drive we managed to knock one of them down, but just push some other line elves off the line, but we did secure the ball and felt somewhat safe with our positioning, but with so little damage done, the woodies were very quickly able to position themselves to make moving the ball further up the field problematic. They were also able to get in and knock out Mr. Pibb, so the boys now found themselves down two players early in the drive. This gave the Jade Guardians control over the pitch and with their superior positioning it looked like the Jerkz were in for an uphill battle trying to move that ball up the pitch. The boys found themselves tying to reposition to find a hole in the woodies defenses, but the eleves just hemmed the entire cage in and moved in with superior numbers. Shasta took a swipe one of the line elves and managed to not only connect but take him out for the rest of the game, so at least we were only down by one player. But the boys just couldn't keep the momentum going and found themselves just being knocked around without doing any real damage to the opposing team. This was due to some bad positioning at the start of the drive leaving our start blitzer Moxie isolated for the entire drive so far. On turn five the Jade Guardians were able to break open the cage and after knocking down most of the defenders, got a hit on White Rock and they secured the ball. Our boys found that they just couldn't knock down the ball carrier and the woodies were able to quickly run it out of range of any of our boys. The fact that our boys couldn't connect with any of their hits didn't help us at all either, and the Jade Guardians ran it on in to the endzone. This allowed Mr. Pibbs to wake up from his KO and the weather changed to Nice. We did manage to knock out one of their elves, but not much else was accomplished on the last turn of the first half. The boys now needed to prepare for the next half where the Elves would be recieving. And to continue the theme of bad positioning, when setting up Doc Brown and Duke were one square too far away from the sideline, this allowed a nice gap for the elves to run through if they wanted to, and not suprising anyone, they made sure to take advantage of this poor positioning. Added to this, the Jade Guardians had a quick snap and while the boys were listening to Coach Soapy yell at them about where they were supposed to stand they didn't hear the 'Hike!', so the woodies quickly took advantage of this and ran right through the defensive line. This allowed them to get into scoring position immediately, but in their haste Tormar the wood elf tripped as he ran by Mr. Pibb and fell on his neck, killing himself. We managed to get Doc Brown next to the ball carrier, but after the elves stunned him, it was only Moxie who was in range to get close to the ball carrier, but he wasn't up for the task and while he could make it next to him, he didn't last and was knocked out, allowing the woodies to stall for yet another turn. Again, the boys just couldn't get anything really cooking and with some more bad positioning choices White Rock was surfed and injured, and while it was nothing permanent it was enough to keep him out for the rest of the drive. It was make or break time and the boys weren't going to down without some desperate plays, with only four turns they knew that they'd have to move the ball and move it fast, so after caging up they were ready to make a move. That move cost us Mr. Pibb as for the third time one of them failed their blitz when they were 'Going for It!' On Turn fifteen the boys made their last desperate move, having moved Shasta up the field Mug was going for a long pass, the only hurdle to overcome was the slight chance of an interception by the woodies war dancer, and as the flow of the game was on the woodie's side, their wardancer was able to snatch the ball right out of the air. This allowed them to now move the ball up the field and hand it off and score again. With only one turn left the fans were still not satisfied with the amount of blood spilt and invaded the pitch, stunning Moxie. And so ended the game. Our final game will be against Norse, a team that the boys have never faced before, so what happens is anyone's guess, so that's it from me, and I will see you in the stands, soda fans!!©
  13. Season 20 Post Mortem Game Seven Fanta: Well, another game under our belt as the Soda Jerkz faced off against Orks are People Too... We were expecting a lot from the boys as they faced off against another band of Orcs. And it was a match, that's for sure. And with some special commentary we have the Coach himself, Soapy, to fill us in on this game. Soapy: Thanks Fanta, I do appreciate this opportunity. I asked to do this because, well, as I've learned they say in the resteraunt business when things go bad you can blame the eggs or you can blame the chef, and in this instance I think the blame falls squarely on the chef. Fanta: So you're saying it was Duke, the short order cook who we can blame for the poor playing this match? That's some hot tea you're spilling Coach! Soapy: No, no no, quite the opposite, what I'm trying to say is that any blame in this match falls squarely on my shoulders. Mistakes were made as early as the inducement stage and those mistakes helped a bad situation snowball into a real bad situation quite quickly. And it would be easy to blame the players for the failures that occured, but it was really my inexeperiencce as a coach that led to those decisions in the first place. Now with that out of the way, we can talk about the match itself. OaPT set up their players in attack as they won the toss and chose to recie the ball. With us being on the defense the first drive White Rock was going to be sitting out this half and I had the boys set up in their usual formation, blocking the wings and the lineorcs protecting the center. It would all come down to how hard they got hit that first round, the hope being that they'd be able to take some punches from some fellow orcs, not an easy feat let me tell you, and those boys did their best to remain standing. The weather changed and was on our side as OaPT had to suddenly deal with handling the ball as the rain started pouring down, their catcher had no problem with securing the ball and quickly moving up to a defensive position right behind their LoS. And while they had punched a bunch of our Lineorcs, they were unable to take any of them out. We had the same results as we were able to push some of there guys, but no damage was done. The next round OaPT were a lot more effective with their blocks, stunning two of the lineorcs and injuring Dr. Pepper, not only would he be out for the rest of the game, he would also be less agile as his neck was broken during the hit, at least they didn't hurt his hands so his career in medicine isn't finished. Our boys found themselves once again ineffective with their hits and just were pushed the other guys around and weren't even able tot get them off their feet. When OaPT were up they had the ball still secured behind the LoS and after some punches found themselves not moving further. We took advantage of this stall in their momentum and pressed forward and finally knocked some of them down, even going so far as to have two of our guys basing their ball carrier. Unfortunetly without getting a hit on the ball carrier they were able to punch our guys off and reposition after they KO'd our heavy hitter Moxie. And the hits just kept coming, after some ineffectual blocking our end they punched right through the small defensive line that we were able to put in their way and move the ball further down field. OaPT were able to protect their ball carrier and keep any of our guys out of range as their catcher made his way down the side of the field. Having plenty of turns ot smack us around, and taking out RC in the process, nothing permanent, but he wouldn't be able to play for the rest of the game. So even in the best case scenario, we would be fielding at least two less players on our drive. They scored on Turn 7 leaving us two turns to see what we could do. Luckily for us the weather changed and the rain let up, giving us a perfect day for some Blood Bowl playing. We were able to KO one of their guys, but not much else was accomplished before the end of the first half. The second half was where it really just blew up. Not literally as the one bomb that Bomber Dribblesnot threw didn't actually do anything, but when moving Duke to set up the cage to protect the ball, he failed. This left White Rock open for a sack and OaPT took advantage of this and were able to secure the ball and not only move it behind our linesbut also protect it in such a way that we couldn't re-retreive it. We failed some more blocks that were necessary if we were going to accomplish anything and this allowed OaPT to quickly score a second time. Being down by one we recieved, again, and hoped to be able to make something happen with what time we had left in our drive. We just couldn't seem to get any traction, again our blocks resulted in mostly pushes , this seems to be the theme for most of this half, as we would try to push up, we found ourselves just hemmed in by OaPT, they'd just keep putting the pressure on and we found ourselves pushed further and further into a corner. By our last turn we found ourselves still stuck on the LoS with no real path forward. On the bright side, nobody died permanently... Fanta: Wow, that does sound like a rough game. Well, at least your next game is against Wood Elves, so how bad could that possibly go? Hopefully you've learned something from the beating the boys took, eh? Well, looks like the Coach is going to review some more gameplay footage to see what he can learn from it. So I guess it's time for me to let you all know that I will see you in the stands, soda fans!!©
  14. I've never heard of Blinkist so I looked them up quickly and came across this article about the service: https://bookriot.com/blinkist-review/ The review is pretty negative and it seems that Blinkist is more helpful to discover if you want to read the book rather than doing a good job of letting you know the information in the book. I don't read enough nonfiction personally, usually just some history books here and there and the occasional memoir or collection of essays that I'll come across. On my own reading I finished The Hot Rock by Westlake, it was a real fun book, nice and fast and I look forward to reading the next book in the series. Then I moved onto the next book in Nabokov's lectures, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And I really didn't like it. The best thing I can say about it is that it was a quick read. It really rubbed me the wrong way, then reading Nabokov's lecture on it, I'm still at a loss as to what he loved about it so much as compared to any of the other books covered earlier, I didn't find the prose to be that good, nor does it really say anything about the human condition that's new or interesting. The next book in his lecture series is one that I'm actually familer with, Swann's Way by Proust. I actually read In Search of Lost Time last year, I started at the start of the pandemic when the 'pause' happened and most of our country was 'shut down,' and I figured if I was going to tackle it this seemed like the perfect opportunity. I will say that it was the best book that I've ever read. My only lament is that I have literally nobody to talk to about this book, my wife and one point told me point blank that she's really not interested in hearing about it anymore, lol, but that's because she developed a loathing for Marcel (as the character not the writer, but I don't think she was too keen on his style either) at that point after I was explaining some of the plot points to her. But rereading Swann's Way is just a treat, now that I know who everyone already is I find myself just enjoying the ride instead of trying to remember who all these people are or what the heck is going on or what it's all about and it's just a beautifully written book. It's also pants on head crazy at points, not so much the early volumes, but after volume 3 it's truly just bonkers, I'm excited to read what Nabokov has to say about Proust when I finish this and move onto his lecture.
  15. Season 20 Post Mortem Six Fanta: Salutations soda fans! For match day six the Jerkz faced some tougher opponents, and by tougher I mean that they were decked out in some armour because it was the boyz versus some Bretonians and these guys were dressed to impress with their fancy hats and spiked gloves, but our brave boys lined up on the pitch anyway as the Brets won the toss and decided to have us kick the ball to them. And like usual we have a pitch side commentary from White Rock who sat out this drive. Take it away Rock. White Rock: Thanks lady. Those Brets seemed to be the favorite of the fans and because of their rowdy player base they found themselves so inspired that they got an extra reroll, whatever that's supposed to mean, and on top of that after we kicked it their Blitzer, Nick, found himself right underneath the ball and it landed right in his hands. Them guys secured the ball and started pushing around or lineorcs, knocking over poor Jones. But he's a tough one and he was able to jump right back up and shake it off. And now that it was our guys turn we got right in their faces and started punching them. Well, just bouncer Stan because he was the only one we were able to get to to punch. They didn't take that too well and they ran up on Shasta and punched him right in the beak, knocking him out for the rest of the game, but no worries because he'll be back next week. After that they just pushed our guys around some more. We tried putting some hurt on them, but we couldn't get through that armor of theirs and do any damage. The Brets knew what they were doing and were able to shift from one side of the pitch to the other in the blink of an eye, leaving us to scramble back and forth trying to find a way to hem them on in, and being down a blitzer so early was going to make screening these guys tough. But after one of their guys jumped on Mr. Pibbs Moxie had enough and knocked out Stan, one of their lineman. So at least we were even on numbers. We were also able to get someone to base the ball carrier so we had that going for us. Until they managed to run away, again, and toss the ball to another blitzer and he was able to run it past our line, quickly heading towards our endzone. But we were able again to base their ball carrier, but would it be enough to stop them from scoring? No, no it wouldn't as they knocked over Duke giving them a clear path to the endzone. They took the chance and quickly scored leaving us a small window to try to score on our own. As we switched sides and readied our attack it was time for me to hit the field and do what I do best, grab the ball and run with it. Shasta: While down, I wasn't out and I could keep one eye, that's all that I because the other eye was swollen shut, on the game. And after they kicked it really shallow they then lined up and those guys did what they do best, punch some hummies. We were able to do some damage, but not nearly enough and those Brets set up an impressive screen and while we were able to stun a few of them, we couldn't break through their liine and they got a hit on White Rock, who dropped the ball and let the other team recover it. Things were not looking too good for our side at this point. But Doc Brown was having none of this and punched that ball carrier right in the gob and knocked him out, too bad he couldn't pick up the ball as well. With the time we had left to score slipping through our fingers it because more of a punching match and we had no real way to recover the ball, Whie rock being hemmed in and none of our boys in scoring position on turn seven meant that the Brets would win their drive, but at least we had knocked three of them out and only suffered the devastating loss of myself So we figured we were in some good shape for the next half, but all three of their guys woke up from their knock outs and I was still out, then to add injury to insult, one of the fans threw a rock and injured Duke, knocking him out, so we started off the drive down two players. The only bright spot was that their kick was shallow again and was a touchback so White Rock was just thrown the ball. But as their turn started so did the dirty tricks again, after they knocked down RC their Promoter Tom ran over and stomped right on his bad knee, knocking him out, so now we were down three players at the very start of our drive. All that armor seemed to be working for the Brets and none of our punches connected well enough to do any ream damage, in the meantime they moved in and were able to get one of their blitzers right on the ball, we shoved him away, but we were not bale to move the ball at all and found ourselves fighting to just hold ground. Luckily we were able to knock out one of them, bringing our numbers somewhat closer, but not close enough and they got a blitz on White rock and stunned him, knocking the ball out of his hands and clearing out our boys that were around it and they were able to pick it up and flee. But Barq made a daring run at the guy holding the ball and punched him, freeing the ball and Mug ran towards it, but was quickly pushed away. The Brets picked it up and using their numerical advantage were able to keep our guys from getting anywhere near it. To make matters worse, Mug, who so valiantly ran up trying to secure the ball was attacked and knocked out. Followed by them knocking out Doc Brown. What are they feeding those guys anyway? We did our best to try and hold them off, but the Brets used their advantage to keep us far enough away from the ball carrier so that we didn't have a real shot at even hitting him, and even though we kept punching those guys, they just wouldn't stay down and they were able to easily score at the end of our drive. We were left with one turn to score and even though most of the boys came back, it really didn't matter because the fans invaded the pitch and six of our guys were stunned, leaving just four orcs standing against their eight. And with the kick as deep as it was, none of the boyz could even get to the ball to pick it up anyway. Fanta: Sounds like a rough match up. What did you do to make those fans so enraged? Do you think it was the parody song that you wrote? Personally I think you're song was so much better that their fans were afraid of some real competition. Welp fans, a game was played and now you know what happened, and be sure not to miss tomorrows game where we'll have some mean, green action as it'll be our boyz versus some other boyz in some heated up Orc on Orc action as we face off against Fuggernomics in an Orc off! I know that I'll in the stands, soda fans!!©
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