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The Soda Jerkz


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The Soda Jerkz 
These 'fellas,' and I use that term loosely, all worked together for a summer at the local Fiendly's ices cream parlor and soda fountain.  One night after work while rough housing in the parking lot,  they were playing 'keep away' with the tip money that the goblins had earned, they discovered they worked well as a team they decided to try it on the Blood Bowl Pitch.  These boys have a lot heart but not much skill, which is a perfect fit for their new Coach.
But what who are they?
1.  Barq - Black Orc - Not much is known about this enigmatic orc, not even his real name.  But when interviewed for the position as Maître D' and bouncer he just barked.  In fact some wonder if he can speak at all.  But leading slobs to their tables doesn't require much communication and bouncing out the unruly guests even less, so it was a perfect fit all around.
2.  Doc Brown - Black Orc - The morning shift manager who is acting as the team doctor, until they can afford an apothecary.  He isn't a real doctor, but after breaking so many arms getting the early crew 'motivated' to tackle the breakfast rush he's had to set enough of them straight to get the nickname 'Doc.'
3.  Mister Pibbs -Black Orc - The general manager of this Fiendly's franchise knows that he has to keep an eye on his boys.  They respect, and fear him rightly enough to always remember to never leave off the Mister.
4.  Doctor Pepper - Black Orc - Who is (almost) a real doctor, well he is in doctoring school, but never made it past anatomy. In fact he just keeps retaking the Anatomy/Physiology hoping to learn more about bodies so he knows how to hurt 'em in the most painful way possible.  He is the head waiter and is using all his tips, as well as the cut he demands from his understaff, to pay for those  expensive college courses. 
6.  Duke - Blitzer - Short order cook.  His specialty is the squib, egg, and cheese on a roll.  He protects the ball like his mother's recipe for secret squib sauce, (it's extra spider eggs).  As you can tell he's not really that good at protecting secrets. 
7. RC - Blitzer - Sous-Chef.  That glove on his hand with the claws is for more than just punching snotlings that think they can steal some potato skins, it slices, dices, chops and peels.  RC is hoping one day to move up the ladder and be a cook himself, but for now he has to content himself with prepping Duke's cooking ingredients.  He also gets to taste everything before it comes out of the kitchen.
8.  Shasta - Blitzer - Wait staff.  As long as there's been a Fiendlys at this location, there has been Shasta.  Nobody is quite sure who hired him, each manager that's taken control of the franchise has discovered upon opening that Shasta's there and ready to take orders.
9. Moxie - Blitzer - Soda Fountain/Ice Cream scooper.  When it comes to throwing scoops into fountain glasses, nobody makes 'em faster than Moxie can.  As he likes to say, 'You can have it fast or you can have it good,' and since Barq is also the head of the complain department, he's never had any complaints.  He's so fast that he doesn't even need the scoop, he just uses his hands to pull out a handful of ice cream, some sprinkles, spiders, or molten fudge, and boy-howdy, does he knows how to serve it up quick.
11. Mug - Line Orc - Dishwasher.  Low man on the chain, Line orc Mug only took the job because that way he gets to eat any food that is on the plates that he washes.
12. Jones - Line Orc - Bus Boy.  And even lower on the chain than Mug.  Ex-dishwasher Jones broke so many dishes while washing them that he was demoted to bus boy, now he gets to carry the dishes back and only gets Mug's leftover.  But at least he's not Motts.
13. Motts - Line Orc - Stock boy.  When deliveries come in, Motts comes out.  The oddball of the bunch Mott doesn't even like soda, but he enjoys hanging with the Jerkz, he's just glad to be part of the team.  If the boys make it all the way he's been promised a day off.
And what of their new coach?  Soapy, a.k.a. Bingo, a.k.a. The Defendant, a.k.a. Beans, a.k.a. Pencil Neck, not much is yet known about this enigmatic leader of the Soda Jerkz, but rumors abound.  Will this new coach have what it takes to lead this rag-tag bunch to the top of the Orca Cola tier 6 or will he fold like a cheap suit?  Guess will find out once Season twenty (or as the boys call it, Season Ex-Ex)  gets underway!



Edited by SoapyTheBum
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Season 20 Pre-game 1:


Hey Blood Bowl fans, it's me Fanta!  The teams newly hired publicist, I'll be your eyes and ears in the locker room and team bus.  After that disastrous press conference, corporate decided that it may be better to have just one person be a voice for the team, so that means I'll be writing the columns before and after our games letting you, our superfans who truly love us and show up to our games, an inside peek into the goings on with the team before the games!  This will also be informative for the lazy 'fans' who don't want to travel out to watch us play.


It's an exciting time for the team as the boys get ready for their first game.  They've been hitting the weights hard and have been practicing their intimidating roars, I would tell you all more, but as this is the pregame article, I don't want to give our opponent too much information! 


Bham! better look out because the boys claim they've been feeling pretty primitive


See you in the stands, Soda Fans!©


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Season 20 Post Mortem Game One
Fanta here with your peek into the life of the team.  It is with a heavy heart that I report that the Soda Jerkz lost their first game.  While the bus ride to our opponents stadium was full of good spirits, it seems it may have been a mistake for them to have a milk shake drinking contest in the locker room right before the game started.
Mr. Pibbs offered the following statement:  'It was once said that no plan survives a punch in the face, and that's the truth.'  Soapy added, 'It seems the boys needed the experience of playing against opponents that actually hit back, I attribute the loss to the other coach outplaying us.'
It is nice to know that both our Coach and Manager are taking it all in stride, let us hope the fans feel the same.  And with nowhere to go but up, we'll be keeping our eye on our next opponent, Coach Whitehowler and their Reiksguard Retirees.
See you in the stands, Soda Fans!©

Page Nine Blind!


Rumors abound about a certain streaming coach who has become the target of their own challenge.  It seems that at least three other streaming coaches, one being 'Reckless,' one being 'Rowdy' and one that's 'Neutral' are 'Hunting' this coach and want to beat him at his own 'little' game!  Once you win the Chalice, it's 'Skaven see, Skaven do.'


Should a certain lineman be out carousing with the local Fiendly's manager's wife?  Our tipster said that the the romantic dinner started of with this blood bowler giving her a (desert) rose during their dessert a piece of 'Soul Cake.'  It looks as though this stepping out spouse is 'Wrapped Around your Finger'! but as the old proverb states, you shouldn't dip your pen in the company ink, and the Tier 6 Blood Bowl community isn't that large!


And the local constabulary have had to release a certain Bretsteet Boy.  While he did murder a Wardancer (RIP Lirdal) it happened on the pitch so no formal charges could be filed.


Have any HOT tips about the Blood Bowl community?  Just send PM the account associated with this post and we'll be sure to publish it next issue!  (As long as it's not too salacious, we are not Slaanesh you know.)

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Season 20 Post Mortem Game 2


With our second game under our belt we find ourselves with nowhere to go but up.  The second loss for the Soda Jerkz reminds us that youth and enthusiasm is no match for old age and treachery.  While there are many factors that we can contribute to the loss that the team suffered, the game was played in the afternoon, and it's a well established fact that retirees sometimes experience, 'sundowning,' meaning that they get violently confused as the afternoon gets late.  There is also the fact that once again the opponents coach outplayed ours.  They also out fouled ours, whenever they knocked one of our boys over, they were then jumping on them in a most unsportsmanlike fashion. 


But our hope rests in the fact that our coach, Soapy, assures us that he is trying to learn as he goes.  And while you can't teach an old dog new tricks, we're not quite sure how old Coach Soapy really is, so maybe there is some hope for this team.


And it also looks like the end of the road for one of our players, RC sustained a worrying injury on the pitch, luckily it was only a smashed knee so it won't have any impact on his cooking skills, it will have an impact on his ability to play the game and the talk around management's watercolor is that this injury may spell the end of his game days.  Especially with our next opponents, The Rippling Blues on the horizon.  

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  • 2 weeks later...

Season 20 Post Mortem Game 3


With our third game completed we discover that while there may be nowhere to go but up, staying at the same level is also an option and with our third loss we find ourselves exactly where we were before.  But don't be discouraged!  Soapy has assured us that he's 'learned somethink' that last game and he may even try to apply those lessons to his next game.  With our analysis we are pleased to announce that we've interviewed RC, who was sadly stuck on the sidelines this last game after his unfortunate injury that was sustained at the hands of the Reiksguard Retirees.


RC:  Howdy fans, I had a sideline view of the pitch last game and what a match it was.  If you were lucky enough to be there you know of all the thrills and chills that we experienced in that game, and if you didn't see it, well, you don't know what you missed.  But that's why I'm here to let you know, so without further ado, here's what went down.


We won the toss and then all hell broke lose as the fans started fighting, but that's okay as we took inspiration and started a big ol' brawl of our own on the field.  We punched them, then they punched us, and while a few of our guys and a few of their guys got knocked down, nobody got hurt, that is until turn four when their Kroxigor knocked out Duke.  But we got back at 'em by killing Groovin Jives, one of their Saui.  So at least now we were even on players.


But then they KO'd Barq, so we were down and while we still had the ball, they did a great job of keeping us hemmed in so we were having trouble moving it up the field.  And then after a rough turn, the ball carrier was not only surrounded by the other team, he also had almost no protection, and even though Mug was able to pick it up on the bounce, after Moxie got punched, he wasn't able to keep it, and that's when the ball was lost and the only thing we could do was hurt one of their skinks by punching him in the face. But it was little solace as the Rippling Blues scored and ended the half by winning our drive and scoring. with Twang Carl.


The second half started with a bang, after everyone woke up we kicked the ball a little too exuberently and the Kroxigor managed to catch it.  This led to a full on donnybrook as the Jerkz just rushed on in and started punching, but they didn't manage to do any real damage, and then the Rippling Blues started punching back.  They did a sight better than us and managed to get the Kroxigor and the ball safe with a sideline cage.  And again with all our punching we only managed to hurt one skink, mostly we just pushed them around on the pitch. 


Turn 13 however gave us an opportunity on the ball and while we were able to knock it loose we weren't able to secure it and the Rippling Blues took advantage of that fact and while we had a chance to secure it on turn 15, we didn't and that allowed the Rippling blues to grab it and run it in to our endzone and score again.  


We ended it like we began, with yet another riot, and that allowed us to punch them all some more, but it wasn't enough as we Jones, who was supposed to pick up the ball, tripped instead, so Mug did it for him the next round.  A fun afternoon for everyone involved, Dr. Pepper was even able to level up and we're excited to see how he performs in the next game that will be against The Welf Being Society.


Back to you Fanta!


Fanta:  Thanks for that detailed summary of the game RC, I'm sure the fans are hoping that your knee heals up.  But from what the doctors have said, it's just going to get worse and may even make you more likely to be injured in the future.  If playing doesn't work out, just know that their is always a place for you in our sports department, if you don't die that is.


Well, you heard it hear first folks!  A game was played and some things happened.  Also we just wanted to give a quick shout out to @oldone_bb for being kind enough to give the Soda Jerkz's coach Soapy some good advice on where they could improve.


See you in the stands, Soda fans!© 

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Season 20 Post Mortem Game Four


Well Soda Fans, it seems the boys finally did it and broke their losing streak and were able to pull off a stunning tie in the fourth game!  Coach Soapy is ecstatic about the fact that the boys actually do understand which end of the pitch is the opponents end zone and they actually can make their way to it and score.  But how did our lovely boys manage to pull off such a feat you may wonder?  Well wonder no more as we again as RC to fill us in on what went down.


RC:  Thanks for having me here today Fanta, it was one heck of a match and one that we didn't have much hope on winning, but like all the other games we looked at this as a great learning experience.  We had a fortunate start and set ourselves up in a defensive line, those woodies are quick and we figured we'd try to hem 'em in and stop 'em from scoring, our fans were so excited that they got into a cheering contest with the opponents fans and it inspired both of our teams.  


We kicked it into their midfield and White Rock claimed that only happened because he got some sweat in his eyes due to the blistering heat, Coach Soapy wanted him to kick it deep, but White Rock don't always listen too good.  And with that the match was off with a bang as those elves started punching our guys, but our lineorcs did what lineorcs do best, get punched in the face and then jump back up again.  But before they could jump up, the woodies ran right through that hole that they punched and got a bunch of guys in position to score.  


So we blocked 'em in as best we could and tried to form some type of protective screen to make their moving up field like that tougher, but those guys are tough themselves and fast, and were able again to push their way right through our defenses.  


Shasta found a path through one of their line elves and was able to get right in the face of their catcher, who happened to be holding the ball as some of the other boys moved in to put pressure on those guys to try and get them to score quickly, not that they needed much encouragement.  We found we were able to cause some damage on the way and knocked out one of their guys.


But the plan worked and the Welf Being Society scored, now it was time for us to show what we could do as we would now get the ball, for this drive I came in as my knee didn't seem so bad, but Mug sat out and I told him to take some good notes for this purpose.


Mug:  It was crazy, let me tell yous.  First off, Duke injured one of their guys right off the bat.  Then a bunch more punching happened.  I went to get some squib in a bun so I missed a bit, but the crowd was going crazy!  Turns out, they was out of mustard at the concession stand, and when I got back I saw that our boys had the ball and they caged it up nice.  White Rock was holding on to the ball for all it was worth and was almost within scoring range when I was able to sit back down.  


He was even able to hold on to it when the Wardancer leaped on into the cage and tried to hit him.  Our boys defending White rock did a great job, and he then ran it in, a little earlier than when the coach wanted him to, but RC says before, he don't listen to well.


Fanta:  At this point in the match half of the team collapsed due to the extreme heat.  It seems all those hours they spend in the deep freeze at Fiendly's have lowered their tolerance for sweltering heat and five of them were passed out.  The Elves would have two turns to score and a few of their guys were also put out by the heat, but they still had their Wardancer so they knew it would be a tough two turn defense with only being able to field seven orcs.  It would be hard to try and 'fence these elves in.'  And the elves took advanatge of the fact and did move right past the boys line and plan themselves deep with their end of the field,  and with a quick pass the Wardancer had the ball and was in scoring range, and score he did , so the first half ended with us down by one score, but their was still another half to play and this time it would be the Jerkz drive and riding on the confidence of that last score they hoped to be able to do it again!


With the second half underway most of the boys were able to shake off the heat, except for Shasta who didn't wake up, fortunetly the heat also had a detrimental effect on the the woodies and they were only able to field five players.  Then after Motts injured one of their guys they were down to four.


White Rock having secured the ball was in no mood to be the punching bag again this half after all the hits that Wardancer took on him so he quickly threw the ball to Duke and told him that he should run with it.  With little choice Duke became the reluctant ball carrier.


Planning on scoring quickly so we could then score again and grab our first victory The Welf Being Society had other plans.  Their wardancer quickly knocked the ball free out of dukes paws and lucky for us, they weren't able to secure the ball and Duke picked it back up again.


But there Wardancer wasn't done yet and after leaping into the cage again he knocked the ball right out of Dukes paws again!  Good thing that Doc Brown was there to grab it.  But again with the leaping and the strip balling and Doc Brown found himself holding nothing!  The scatter worked in our favor as Big Bacone Sarnie picked it up but then tripped on some grass, fell on the ball and expired.  


But now that the Wardancer was down on the pitch and surrounded by the Jerkz White Rock was willing to pick up the ball and start running it down field.  But Jones was feeling sorry for the elf, seeing that most of his friends were off on the side, so he attempted to help the Wardancer up, but it didn't work out and the Wardancer stayed down on the grass.  The next turn Motts tried to help, but the ref thought he was interfering and sent him off.  Talk about no good deed going unpunished!  Jones learned the hard way that helping sometimes hurts as well, after he was sent off after tyring to help up the Wardancer who refused to get up off the pitch.


But Moxie was able to run the ball in on turn 16 and tie up the match, now we just needed to worry about the Woodies pulling off a miracle one turner, but thankfully they weren't able to and the match ended in a draw.


Next week we're facing Halflings, a match for the ages, as we all know how much trouble these Jerkz have hitting smaller guys, hopefully all their practice of beating up the gnoblars and snotlings will pay off and they'll be able to make something happen.  


Until next match, see you in the stands, soda fans!!© 

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Posted (edited)



Season 20 Post Mortem Game Five


Fanta:  Greetings fans!  It was an exciting match for our boyz this week as the Jerkz faced off against an opponent that they've never dealt with before, Halflings!  None of them have even seen a halfling before this match, since they're so short they're always blocked by the counter when they come in so they only know them from the sound of their squeaky voices, but our boys were familiar with trees and with an inducement they were facing off against three of them as the other team induced Deeproot Strongbranch to join them on the pitch.  With our field-eye view we will let White Rock fill us in on what he witnessed on the field that day, take it away Rock.


White Rock:  Thanks Fanta.  Well since we didn't know what to expect from those little guys the coach decided to kick the ball to them so that we would get an idea of how they like to play, y'know?  We lost two of our assistant coaches when their chef over there broke out his food cart and the smell of all that good cooking inspired our boys on the field and they jumped at the chance to get up close and personal with the 'flings and right after the ball got kicked they Blitzed 'em!  


They headed straight for the ball, but it was a bit out of reach, but they positioned to get it and we got a free hit on one of the little guys.  There trees pushed our Lineman back and one of their little guys managed to knock over Mug, after which they were able to pick up the ball and secure it.


We decided to try and box 'em in, but those little guys can hit, same with the trees and Deeproot knocked over Mug again while one of the wee ones knocked over Shasta.  Another one of their trees knocked over Doc Brown, but he got up again.  


We kept 'em hedged in and made 'em work to try to get out of it, which they did when their tree managed to stun Mister Pibb as the tree lumbered forward.  The other tree though must of had some disagreement with his team mate because it picked up Tanacious Tyler and threw him where he landed on his head and was KO'd.  We're just sorry that the first KO wasn't caused by us.  


The first KO really inspired us and Moxie threw a punch right and Tucker and it was a solid hit leading to a KO.  This allowed Duke to run across the field and get a lot closer to the ball.  Barq, not to be outdone by Moxie punched Trevor somewhat harder and killed 'em.  RC wanted to get in on the action and swung at Tommy, unfortunately he swung too hard and left himself open for Tommy to kick him right in the shin and RC went down.  


The ball was free, but the trees kept marching forward, but by this point two of them were rooted.  This didn't stop them from throwing another 'fling, this one was able to land on his feet, but he couldn't secure the ball.  So since the balll was free the boys moved in on it like a group of kids around a Jim Dandy, But Duke was a little too excited and didn't see that his feet were wrapped up in one of the trees roots and he fell face forward as he tried running at Timothy, the fling that tried to pick up the ball last turn.  Another 'fling was thrown and he didn't land on his feet but on his back and he was stunned, and Mister Pibbs was fortunate enough to trip up one of the little guys who was running to seccure the ball, the rest of the boys moved in and Moxie was able to hurt Tobias, leaving just one of the little guys to watch the ball as we surrounded 'em. 


One of the trees tried to throw another 'fling, but it again didn't work and the poor guy landed on his back with the wind knocked out of him.  And then RC punched the 'fling trying to get the ball and injured him.  This gave Moxie the chance to pick up the ball and start running down field with it. 


Another turn, another thrown 'fling, this time the tree used the little guy like a meaty missle and threw him right at Moxie, but he hit Doc Brown, knocking him over, We just kept moving the ball up and punching flings, knocking out yet another one.  Our scoring on turn eight looked like it was bound to happen, and while the trees had some fun kicking around Jones, nothing came of it and we just ran it on in to score 1-0 to end the first half.


Fanta:  That sounds fascinating White rock!  I'm sure those fans that chose to miss this game are kicking themselves now for being such big dum-dums!  But I know that you were instrumental in the second half since your team was going to be recieving the ball, so we'll turn over our commentary to Mug who stayed on the sidelines this drive.  Mug, what can you tell us about the second half?


Mug:  With the start of the second half those other ones were only able to field nine players.  Again we was a lot quicker and with a quick snap we were able to move before those other ones knew what was happening.  Our guys jumped back from the trees, knowing how hard those branches hit an all that.  Coach figured why not have 'em move to us instead of us standing there like a bunch of chumps.  That way they'd have a chance to take root, it being so nice and sunny and all. 


Well, we started with the same strategy for this drive.  Punch 'em and see what happens.  RC was able to knock out Trixie with a well placed fist to the bread basket.  Then we tried to screen as best we could so White Rock could do their job and pick up the ball, which they failed to do.  


But on the bright side Coaches plan actually paid off and the tree that was going to blitz took root and was stuck in the pitch, we just needed to make sure we stayed out of their reach. 


Thinking he might need some help Duke headed on back downfield to give some cover to White Rock in case those trees started throwing flings again.  The boys were so inspired by how things were going they decided to gang up on one of the trees and see if they could get him down, and they did! now they just needed to worry about picking up the ball and moving it downfield.  And White Rock was able to pick it up and then hang out with Duke as we waited to see what the Flings would do.


There tree Terrance pick up a 'fling and threw it, but it hit Deeproot, there only tree that didn't take root yet, and stunned him as well as the 'fling that got thrown.  This allowed us to move the ball up easier and punch some more of 'em.  We Ko'd another one as we caged on up and moved up the pitch.


The other team just caged up their halflings around the trees and let us march on up the field.  Doc Brown managed to knock himself out as he ran away from the tree and we just sat up by the endzone for the last few turns as our opponent just 'checked out for those last turns. 


We walked it on into the endzone on the final turn, we asked White Rock to hand it off to someone else, but he refused because he wanted the glory.  We then just needed to setup to try and stop any one turn attempt that they may make even though with the score being 2-0 we were assured of our victory.


Fanta:  Well that sounds like an exciting first half at least!  And how did post game go?  Well the team had a lot of development after that match, with Jones being awarded the MVP award.  The RC, Dr. Pepper, and Moxie also gained some skills because of all their punching things and that will hopefully give us a fighting chance as we face off against Bretonnians next matc.  Can those Jerkz keep this winning streak alive?  Or was it just some fluke of the dice (I know what our previous opponent thinks!) But I guess we'll have to wait for the next match to find out!  And find out we will because I am sure that at the next match I'll be sure to see you in the stands, soda fans!!© 

Edited by SoapyTheBum
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Season 20 Post Mortem Six


Fanta:  Salutations soda fans!  For match day six the Jerkz faced some tougher opponents, and by tougher I mean that they were decked out in some armour because it was the boyz versus some Bretonians and these guys were dressed to impress with their fancy hats and spiked gloves, but our brave boys lined up on the pitch anyway as the Brets won the toss and decided to have us kick the ball to them.  And like usual we have a pitch side commentary from White Rock who sat out this drive.  Take it away Rock.


White Rock:  Thanks lady.  Those Brets seemed to be the favorite of the fans and because of their rowdy player base they found themselves so inspired that they got an extra reroll, whatever that's supposed to mean, and on top of that after we kicked it their Blitzer, Nick, found himself right underneath the ball and it landed right in his hands.  Them guys secured the ball and started pushing around or lineorcs, knocking over poor Jones.  But he's a tough one and he was able to jump right back up and shake it off.


And now that it was our guys turn we got right in their faces and started punching them.  Well, just bouncer Stan because he was the only one we were able to get to to punch.  


They didn't take that too well and they ran up on Shasta and punched him right in the beak, knocking him out for the rest of the game, but no worries because he'll be back next week.  After that they just pushed our guys around some more.  We tried putting some hurt on them, but we couldn't get through that armor of theirs and do any damage.  


The Brets knew what they were doing and were able to shift from one side of the pitch to the other in the blink of an eye, leaving us to scramble back and forth trying to find a way to hem them on in, and being down a blitzer so early was going to make screening these guys tough.  


But after one of their guys jumped on Mr. Pibbs Moxie had enough and knocked out Stan, one of their lineman.  So at least we were even on numbers.  We were also able to get someone to base the ball carrier so we had that going for us.  Until they managed to run away, again, and toss the ball to another blitzer and he was able to run it past our line, quickly heading towards our endzone.


But we were able again to base their ball carrier, but would it be enough to stop them from scoring?  No, no it wouldn't as they knocked over Duke giving them a clear path to the endzone.  They took the chance and quickly scored leaving us a small window to try to score on our own.  As we switched sides and readied our attack it was time for me to hit the field and do what I do best, grab the ball and run with it.  


Shasta:  While down, I wasn't out and I could keep one eye, that's all that I because the other eye was swollen shut, on the game.  And after they kicked it really shallow they then lined up and those guys did what they do best, punch some hummies.  We were able to do some damage, but not nearly enough and those Brets set up an impressive screen and while we were able to stun a few of them, we couldn't break through their liine and they got a hit on White Rock, who dropped the ball and let the other team recover it.  Things were not looking too good for our side at this point. But Doc Brown was having none of this and punched that ball carrier right in the gob and knocked him out, too bad he couldn't pick up the ball as well.


With the time we had left to score slipping through our fingers it because more of a punching match and we had no real way to recover the ball, Whie rock being hemmed in and none of our boys in scoring position on turn seven meant that the Brets would win their drive, but at least we had knocked three of them out and only suffered the devastating loss of myself


So we figured we were in some good shape for the next half, but all three of their guys woke up from their knock outs and I was still out, then to add injury to insult, one of the fans threw a rock and injured Duke, knocking him out, so we started off the drive down two players.  The only bright spot was that their kick was shallow again and was a touchback so White Rock was just thrown the ball.  


But as their turn started so did the dirty tricks again, after they knocked down RC their Promoter Tom ran over and stomped right on his bad knee, knocking him out, so now we were down three players at the very start of our drive.  All that armor seemed to be working for the Brets and none of our punches connected well enough to do any ream damage, in the meantime they moved in and were able to get one of their blitzers right on the ball, we shoved him away, but we were not bale to move the ball at all and found ourselves fighting to just hold ground.  Luckily we were able to knock out one of them, bringing our numbers somewhat closer, but not close enough and they got a blitz on White rock and stunned him, knocking the ball out of his hands and clearing out our boys that were around it and they were able to pick it up and flee.  But Barq made a daring run at the guy holding the ball and punched him, freeing the ball and Mug ran towards it, but was quickly pushed away.


The Brets picked it up and using their numerical advantage were able to keep our guys from getting anywhere near it.  To make matters worse, Mug, who so valiantly ran up trying to secure the ball was attacked and knocked out.  Followed by them knocking out Doc Brown.  What are they feeding those guys anyway?  


We did our best to try and hold them off, but the Brets used their advantage to keep us far enough away from the ball carrier so that we didn't have a real shot at even hitting him, and even though we kept punching those guys, they just wouldn't stay down and they were able to easily score at the end of our drive.  We were left with one turn to score and even though most of the boys came back, it really didn't matter because the fans invaded the pitch and six of our guys were stunned, leaving just four orcs standing against their eight.  And with the kick as deep as it was, none of the boyz could even get to the ball to pick it up anyway.


Fanta:  Sounds like a rough match up.  What did you do to make those fans so enraged?  Do you think it was the parody song that you wrote?  Personally I think you're song was so much better that their fans were afraid of some real competition.


Welp fans, a game was played and now you know what happened, and be sure not to miss tomorrows game where we'll have some mean, green action as it'll be our boyz versus some other boyz in some heated up Orc on Orc action as we face off against Fuggernomics in an Orc off!  I know that I'll  in the stands, soda fans!!© 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Season 20 Post Mortem Game Seven


Fanta:  Well, another game under our belt as the Soda Jerkz faced off against Orks are People Too...  We were expecting a lot from the boys as they faced off against another band of Orcs.  And it was a match, that's for sure.  And with some special commentary we have the Coach himself, Soapy, to fill us in on this game.


Soapy:  Thanks Fanta, I do appreciate this opportunity.  I asked to do this because, well, as I've learned they say in the resteraunt business when things go bad you can blame the eggs or you can blame the chef, and in this instance I think the blame falls squarely on the chef.  


Fanta:  So you're saying it was Duke, the short order cook who we can blame for the poor playing this match?  That's some hot tea you're spilling Coach!


Soapy:  No, no no, quite the opposite, what I'm trying to say is that any blame in this match falls squarely on my shoulders.  Mistakes were made as early as the inducement stage and those mistakes helped a bad situation snowball into a real bad situation quite quickly.  And it would be easy to blame the players for the failures that occured, but it was really my inexeperiencce as a coach that led to those decisions in the first place.


Now with that out of the way, we can talk about the match itself.  OaPT set up their players in attack as they won the toss and chose to recie the ball.  With us being on the defense the first drive White Rock was going to be sitting out this half and I had the boys set up in their usual formation, blocking the wings and the lineorcs protecting the center.  It would all come down to how hard they got hit that first round, the hope being that they'd be able to take some punches from some fellow orcs, not an easy feat let me tell you, and those boys did their best to remain standing.


The weather changed and was on our side as OaPT had to suddenly deal with handling the ball as the rain started pouring down, their catcher had no problem with securing the ball and quickly moving up to a defensive position right behind their LoS.  And while they had punched a bunch of our Lineorcs, they were unable to take any of them out.  We had the same results as we were able to push some of there guys, but no damage was done.


The next round OaPT were a lot more effective with their blocks, stunning two of the lineorcs and injuring Dr. Pepper, not only would he be out for the rest of the game, he would also be less agile as his neck was broken during the hit, at least they didn't hurt his hands so his career in medicine isn't finished.  


Our boys found themselves once again ineffective with their hits and just were pushed the other guys around and weren't even able tot get them off their feet.  


When OaPT were up they had the ball still secured behind the LoS and after some punches found themselves not moving further.  We took advantage of this stall in their momentum and pressed forward and finally knocked some of them down, even going so far as to have two of our guys basing their ball carrier.  Unfortunetly without getting a hit on the ball carrier they were able to punch our guys off and reposition after they KO'd our heavy hitter Moxie.


And the hits just kept coming, after some ineffectual blocking our end they punched right through the small defensive line that we were able to put in their way and move the ball further down field.  OaPT were able to protect their ball carrier and keep any of our guys out of range as their catcher made his way down the side of the field.  Having plenty of turns ot smack us around, and taking out RC in the process, nothing permanent, but he wouldn't be able to play for the rest of the game.  So even in the best case scenario, we would be fielding at least two less players on our drive.


They scored on Turn 7 leaving us two turns to see what we could do.  Luckily for  us the weather changed and the rain let up, giving us a perfect day for some Blood Bowl playing.  We were able to KO one of their guys, but not much else was accomplished before the end of the first half.


The second half was where it really just blew up.  Not literally as the one bomb that Bomber Dribblesnot threw didn't actually do anything, but when moving Duke to set up the cage to protect the ball, he failed.  This left White Rock open for a sack and OaPT took advantage of this and were able to secure the ball and not only move it behind our linesbut also protect it in such a way that we couldn't re-retreive it.


We failed some more blocks that were necessary if we were going to accomplish anything and this allowed OaPT to quickly score a second time.


Being down by one we recieved, again, and hoped to be able to make something happen with what time we had left in our drive.  We just couldn't seem to get any traction, again our blocks resulted in mostly pushes , this seems to be the theme for most of this half, as we would try to push up, we found ourselves just hemmed in by OaPT, they'd just keep putting the pressure on and we found ourselves pushed further and further into a corner.  By our last turn we found ourselves still stuck on the LoS with no real path forward.


On the bright side, nobody died permanently...


Fanta:  Wow, that does sound like a rough game.  Well, at least your next game is against Wood Elves, so how bad could that possibly go?  Hopefully you've learned something from the beating the boys took, eh?  Well, looks like the Coach is going to review some more gameplay footage to see what he can learn from it.  So I guess it's time for me to let you all know that I will see you in the stands, soda fans!!© 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Post Mortem Game Ate


Fanta:  Well soda fans, it seems the season is getting close to a close and we only have two games left and this week the boys are facing off against some Woodies, and these guys look tough, but so do our boys so it should be a fun scrumble.  With all of the boys being needed on the field it looks like it's up to your lovely reporter to fill you all in on what you've missed.  


The Jade Guardians won the toss and decided to kick the ball to our boys, which may have been a result of the weather being very sunny making their passing game somewhat more difficult.  Good thing the boys don't have much of a passing game.  


As seems normal now, the fans in the stands were against us and one of them threw a rock and hit RC, hitting him right in his bad leg, smashing his ankle and taking him out for the game.  This injury also resulted in him having to be cut from the team afterwards, but no worries, his other older brother, RC Jr. was willing to fill in the spot that he left on the team and will make his debut in the next game.  


On the start of our drive we managed to knock one of them down, but just push some other line elves off the line, but we did secure the ball and felt somewhat safe with our positioning, but with so little damage done, the woodies were very quickly able to position themselves to make moving the ball further up the field problematic.  


They were also able to get in and knock out Mr. Pibb, so the boys now found themselves down two players early in the drive.  This gave the Jade Guardians control over the pitch and with their superior positioning it looked like the Jerkz were in for an uphill battle trying to move that ball up the pitch.


The boys found themselves tying to reposition to find a hole in the woodies defenses, but the eleves just hemmed the entire cage in and moved in with superior numbers.  Shasta took a swipe one of the line elves and managed to not only connect but take him out for the rest of the game, so at least we were only down by one player.  But the boys just couldn't keep the momentum going and found themselves just being knocked around without doing any real damage to the opposing team.  This was due to some bad positioning at the start of the drive leaving our start blitzer Moxie isolated for the entire drive so far.


On turn five the Jade Guardians were able  to break open the cage and after knocking down most of the defenders, got a hit on White Rock and they secured the ball.  Our boys found that  they just couldn't knock down the ball carrier and the woodies were able to quickly run it out of range of any of our boys.    The fact that our boys couldn't connect with any of their hits didn't help us at all either, and the Jade Guardians ran it on in to the endzone.  


This allowed Mr. Pibbs to wake up from his KO and the weather changed to Nice.  We did manage to knock out one of their elves, but not much else was accomplished on the last turn of the first half.  The boys now needed to prepare for the next half where the Elves would be recieving.  


And to continue the theme of bad positioning, when setting up Doc Brown and Duke were one square too far away from the sideline, this allowed a nice gap for the elves to run through if they wanted to, and not suprising anyone, they made sure to take advantage of this poor positioning.  Added to this, the Jade Guardians had a quick snap and while the boys were listening to Coach Soapy yell at them about where they were supposed to stand they didn't hear the 'Hike!', so the woodies quickly took advantage of this and ran right through the defensive line.  This allowed them to get into scoring position immediately, but in their haste Tormar the wood elf tripped as he ran by Mr. Pibb and fell on his neck, killing himself.  


We managed to get Doc Brown next to the ball carrier, but after the elves stunned him, it was only Moxie who was in range to get close to the ball carrier, but he wasn't up for the task and while he could make it next to him, he didn't last and was knocked out, allowing the woodies to stall for yet another turn.  


Again, the boys just couldn't get anything really cooking and with some more bad positioning choices White Rock was surfed and injured, and while it was nothing permanent it was enough to keep him out for the rest of the drive.


It was make or break time and the boys weren't going to down without some desperate plays, with only four turns they knew that they'd have to move the ball and move it fast, so after caging up they were ready to make a move.  That move cost us Mr. Pibb as for the third time one of them failed their blitz when they were 'Going for It!'  


On Turn fifteen the boys made their last desperate move, having moved Shasta up the field Mug was going for a long pass, the only hurdle to overcome was the slight chance of an interception by the woodies war dancer, and as the flow of the game was on the woodie's side, their wardancer was able to snatch the ball right out of the air.  This allowed them to now move the ball up the field and hand it off and score again.


With only one turn left the fans were still not satisfied with the amount of blood spilt and invaded the pitch, stunning Moxie.  And so ended the game.


Our final game will be against Norse, a team that the boys have never faced before, so what happens is anyone's guess, so that's it from me, and I will see you in the stands, soda fans!!© 

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