Averland Artillery

[Wabbajacked]

I didn't initially think I'd make one of these for my first season in the OCC, but since they're doing way better than I expected and I'm getting attached, I figured I'd post match reports, write some fluff, and do the whole darn thing. So, without further adieu...

 

 

"Leave the Artillerymen alone, they are an obstinate lot . . ."

- Napoleon Bonaparte

 

- The Race -

So, Human teams. Human teams are in an awkward place, quite frankly, as far as positionals go. I like to start off in the early matchups playing something between a Control and a Bash team, but as they get outpaced by the superior stats of Elves, Chaos, Dwarfs, and other assorted lesser races in the long term, I find they work best trying to build into dedicated, hard-nosed Control team based on fouls, quick passes, and no small amount of luck. If the stars align, that's what I hope to see my boys in The Averland Artillery blossom into. Humans have always felt to me like the perpetual underdog on the pitch, with victories coming by the skin of their teeth and with crippling injuries to show for it. Frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

 

- The Crunch -

The Starting Roster is made up of: 4 Linemen, 3 Blitzers, 1 Thrower, 1 Catcher, and 1 big ol' Ogre. 3 Rerolls and 1 Apothecary as the safety net for my risk-taking. 

Priority #1 is to bump up to 4 Blitzers. More movement, more block, and a bench. That facilitates more pitch coverage, more blocks safely thrown, and an incentive to foul, all of which are essential components to decent Human team.

- The Fluff -

"The Boys In Bronze"

First Season, Season 7 OCC

 

The Averland Artillery are a team of home-grown Averlanders based out of Streissen, originally called the Streissen Sappers. The Team was founded by Averlander brothers Landmine Lewis (#10) and Howitzer Hugo (#05), the pair both graduates of the Imperial Engineers School in Altdorf, as well as a local cattlehand Recoil Randy (#03) who painted the team's logo and was allowed a position on the team as line-of-scrimmage fodder. Backed with sponsorship money from the local cattlebarons, the team participated in the now-defunct Humans-Halflings exclusive league with their neighbors across the river in The Moot. The Sappers were banned from the league following their second consecutive undefeated season, considered "poor sports" for the abuse of a loophole in the hiring of an Ogre, Blastwave Bruce (#11). 

 

Propelled to local fame within Averland for their Halfling-smashing antics, the team obtained greater sponsorship to allow for the building of a professional Bloodbowl stadium and training camp in Streissen. The team went pro and debuted in Season 7 of the Orca-Cola Championship at Tier 6, as Division D's only human team. 

Edited June 12, 2018 by Wabbajacked

[C2MC]

Any team with an Ogre on it is OK in my book. 

[Wabbajacked]

32 minutes ago, C2MC said:

Any team with an Ogre on it is OK in my book. 

Bruce just hasn't been the same since Peaches died. I'll be sure he gets some good blocks in next time any sort of undead team is on the pitch against the Artillery - call it an Ogre vendetta. 

[C2MC]

I'm not sure if Ogres have the brain capacity to fully understand what a "vendetta" is. But I appreciate the kind gesture.

[Borke]

A very nice debut to this blog! I can already see that this team has character.

 

On the topic of Ogres: It's probably not a good thing trying to explain complex concepts like "vendetta" to them - that's when their brain overheats and they just stand around on the pitch. Best to just let their basic instincts take over: When they bash, bash, and then bash some more, it's bound to target the right people eventually

[Wabbajacked]

You Coaches say that, but an Artilleryman fights his battles with his mind. It just so happens that Bruce's mind tends to turn to lukewarm soup in his skull when we try to psyche him up before a match.  He'll come around, someday. For now, though, he's stood on the pitch as a 140,000 gold lawn ornament, racking up a truly phenomenal 0 SPP. 

 

Come to think of it, you two might have a point... 

 

(Gonna edit this post later for archiving purposes, if this team does anything worth archiving)

[Wabbajacked]

SEASON 7, OCC TIER 6 DIVISION D

MD1

Chaqua Suns

- v.s -

Averland Artillery

 

"Square One"

 

The Pregame

No more perfect weather for Bloodbowl in an Averland summer could be asked for. The oppressive Old World sun beat down on a patchy green and yellow pitch, and a steady breeze wafted the smell of unwashed spectators, and similarly-offensive-smelling nearby Streissen livestock, through the stands of the rickety, hastily-constructed stadium; The Arsenal. The bulk of the human team stood in their dugout, Recoil Randy remarking on the fact that, as the narration specified, it really did smell like shit today.

 

Hugo Howitzer, with a bright team captain's badge on his chest, however, stood hunched at centerfield opposite a towering lizardman Saurus, the pair separated by a squat goblin referee polishing a copper coin. Hugo chose heads for the coin toss, a smug look of satisfaction on his face at making a Saurus take the 'tails' option. Flicked up with a clatter from the goblin's dirty fingernails, the copper coin glittered in the midday sun before landing soundlessly in the crunchy cattle-chewed grass, heads-up.

 

"The Artillery will receive."

 

Thus, the career of the Averland Artillery as mediocre pros begins, with the team helping guide their Ogre out of the dugout, making sure he didn't slip on his own drool.

 

Match Report

Getting to choose to receive was incredibly helpful for a first game, and it'd facilitate my strategy of "Smear the Skinks as soon as possible" by allowing me to tie up Sauri as I pleased in the first few turns and punch Skinks. At least, that's how it went in my head. Bloodbowl has a funny way of making you look like a jackass when you try assuming things. 

 

Kickoff, High Kick into the backfield, which the Thrower (#05) fails to catch, landing at his feet. Turn 1 is positioning Linemen about, marking a pair of Sauri, and running a screen to make sure none of the Suns players gets too far up my side of the field. I send Ten-Pounder Ted (Blitzer, #02) into the Lizardman backfield, attempting to punch a skink but settling for a push. Last move is to try and punch a Saurus on the Line with Blastwave Bruce, but given that he is an Ogre, he instead took the first turn of his career to stare at the sun and contemplate existence. Bonehead. Ball gets picked up smoothly and the Suns take their turn, shoving around some marking Linemen and countering my screen at midfield. Thankfully, their Kroxigor, Hulk, shared my Ogre's desire to stand and drool, Boneheading as well at center-field. My opponent finished his turn by counter-blitzing Ten-Pounder Ted (#02), before surrounding him with Skinks and fouling the Blitzer, breaking armor and killing him, causing me to instantly regret playing risky and blowing my Apo on Turn 1, getting a No Casualty. At least the fouling Skink got removed for the trouble.

 

Turn 2 and 3 saw a scrum develop on my left half of the midfield, and the Kroxigor continued to stare glassy-eyed for the first 3 turns of the game. The half settled into exactly what I was hoping to avoid; a mosh with Sauri on the edge of the field, with my ballcarrier consistently within swinging distance of the Suns. By my turn 5, the Artillery's situation was untenable, and a scaly vice grip had closed fast around the human formation, especially now that the Kroxigor had managed to remember why he was standing in a field surrounded by screaming Averlanders, and had joined the fray. With the Krox on top of Hugo Howitzer and the ball, it was down to dodging. Humans aren't very good at that. A Blitz from Landmine Lewis (Blitzer, #10) pulled a Saurus off of his ballcarrying brother. Wheellock Wilhelm (Lineman, #09) bravely one-die blocked the Kroxigor, shoving him away from the ball and opening a lane to burst into the Chaqua Suns' backfield. The moment of truth:

The Catcher, Misfire Milo (#07) has Dodge, so naturally, went first to dodge past the Saurus. Success! Hugo followed, ball in hand, and also succeeded, driving the ball 3 quarters of the way towards the endzone. I then based up as many Sauri as possible with Linemen before gritting my teeth and preparing for the worst. And the worst certainly does come, a few turns later. For now, a Saurus and a pair of Skinks catch up, while the scrum in center-field dies down. Lewis punches a Skink and Flashpan Frederik (Lineman, #08) fouls it with no result. A pair of Linemen catch up with Hugo Howitzer and Milo, tying down the Saurus and allowing Hugo to partially break free with the ball and stall. Two Linemen get KO'd on the Chaqua Suns turn in sequence, hauled to the sidelines to nurse concussions and bruised pride. Hugo gets it far worse, as a Skink one die blocks him into a both down, dropping the ball and...

Apo was already spent, so a pair of brown-robed individuals haul Hugo's twitching body off of the pitch on a stretcher and out of the stadium, the crowd unsure whether to cheer for blood or sit in stunned silence upon seeing their hometown hero's head split down the middle like a dropped cantaloupe. But, the show must go on. Fueled by righteous fury and greasy, greasy McMurty's squigburgers, Recoil Randy (Lineman, #03) cracks the ribs of Scarlet Witch (Skink, #11) when blocking him off of the dropped ball, sending him to the sidelines, wheezing. Milo promptly dodged free of his Saurus, burnt the last reroll picking up the ball, and ran to the edge of the endzone to stall for one more turn. Abandoned by the rest of the team, the scrum at midfield begins to wrap up, with Blastwave Bruce getting knocked out and dragged to the sidelines. To end the half, Milo makes a simple dodge free from a marking Saurus for the team's first, uneasy touchdown before joining his team in an eerily silent locker room, save for the noise of gurgling Ogre snores.

 

The Artillery take to the pitch post-halftime and prepared defense, lacking both proper leadership and considerable muscle, as Bruce remained the only player still KO'd. The kick isn't especially deep, and was scooped up by one of two remaining Skinks with ease and carried into an airtight Saurus cage. The humans run a screen and attempt to slow the onslaught by basing Sauri with Linemen to burn rerolls, but it doesn't slow the advance. By turn 12, the Chaqua Suns are only a few yards from the endzone, but the Kroxigor hadn't yet caught up with the cage. Out of fear that the Suns would keep advancing with impunity, Ten-Pounder Ted, having recovered from his brush with death, Blitzes down a Saurus in front to crack the cage, KO'ing Thor (Saurus, #08), and the cage is promptly swarmed with humans at all angles now that a gap was carved and the ballcarrier marked.

 

An end to the game was closing fast, and the last few turns would be the gritty, hard-fought difference between a blowout victory and a bitter draw.The Sauri make repositioning their cage look easy, shuffling further to the edge of left field, but failing to advance. Next turn, a few lucky one-die blocks allow the humans to completely break the cage and swarm the ballcarrier. The Skink, panicked and clutching the ball, scrambles free of the tight formation, and behind a screen down centerfield, sweeping around to the edge of the goal line. A human lineman manages to pow  a Saurus with a one die block, finally opening a juicy gap to a Blitz on the ballcarrier, and Bombard Boris (Blitzer, #06) springs forward for the final attempt to halt the advance. 

Bombard Boris, one-eyed, desperate, and hobbling from repeated Saurus blows, makes a deft dodge before shoving a spiked gauntlet directly into Spiderman's (Skink, #16) eyesocket, popping both a slippery, blood-soaked ball, and a slippery, blood-soaked Skink eyeball free onto the pitch. Bombard Boris delights in making another creature as equally blind as him. The ball drops at the Krox's feet and is quickly surrounded by humans. In the ensuing scramble for the ball, the last Skink on the pitch is stunned, and Shrapnel Sheldon (Lineman, #01), implodes the knee of Captain America (Saurus, #05) with a block, sending yet another Lizardman off of the pitch. With only Sauri left to make a last, desperate scramble for the downed ball, no more touchdowns are scored, and the Averland Artillery relish in the last second blocks and fouls of the game, ending their first game with a nail-biting goal-line stand.

 

The Locker Room

The air is tense in the Averland Artillery's humidity-choked locker room following the final plays of their first game. A cocktail of beatings was given a bitter victory as a chaser out on that pitch, but prospects for the next game looked dim. An apothecary tended to Ten-Pounder Ted's broken fingers and Recoil Randy was throwing up the remains of that pregame squigburger, the team's captain absent, his twitching body hauled to neighboring Averheim to be tended to by more qualified physicians, but necks really aren't supposed to bend that way, so it was a bleak prognosis. Landmine Lewis, a Blitzer in dented bronze armor, held up his brother Hugo's team captain badge, hoping to rally the troops for the game next week, bringing a pair of calloused fingers towards his narrowed eyes.

 

"Look at me. I am the Captain now."

 

Final Score: 0-1, Averland Artillery

Record: 1-0-0

 

(Writer's note: I wanted to try mixing things up between writing fluff and crunch on these reports, but I'm still experimenting with what works. This one's fluff-heavy on account of it being the first game, I'll see how the next report turns out.)

Edited June 12, 2018 by Wabbajacked

[Suido]

I'll read this properly after commenting, but real talk, how do you have so many players?

 

EDIT: ah, there it is. But how did you get your apothecary to save a death? Amazing.

 

Grats on the first win, especially against skinks. I hate them.

[C2MC]

17 hours ago, Wabbajacked said:

Recoil Randy remarking on the fact that, as the narration specified, it really did smell like shit today.

 

17 hours ago, Wabbajacked said:

a smug look of satisfaction on his face at making a Saurus take the 'tails' option.

 

 

Glorious report. Well done.

[Wabbajacked]

SEASON 7, OCC TIER 6 DIVISION D

MD2

 Averland Artillery

- v.s -

Blunt Rollers 

 

"SteamRolling"

 

The Pregame

Away Team Locker Room, Khorn's Cloud 9 Stadium, somewhere in The Dark Lands

It'd been a dour week of training and recovery in The Arsenal. Victory the week prior had come at a hefty price, and it didn't come easily. The days of friendly semi-pro games in The Moot with halflings were over, and broken bones had reinforced the lesson that the Artillery couldn't afford to play carelessly any longer. This matchup would be different.

 

At least, that's what Recoil Randy figured to himself as he fastened the straps on his cuirass and stroked the blue plumage on his helmet.

 

 "Lewis is levelheaded, he thinks like a blitzer, Randy, he ain't Hugo."

 

Ten-Pounder Ted had told the lineman as much while sharpening his cleats. It was definitely true, seeing as the last week of training had consisted solely of 'fouling practice,' complete with burlap sacks filled with pork and painted to have Chorf faces. Lewis was intent on winning Tier 6's Boot trophy, no matter the cost.

 

 

Randy took to the pitch, standing in the shadow of the Ogre, Bruce, on the line of scrimmage. Randy already felt his stomach turn as the kick sailed overhead and the Chaos Dwarf he stood across from made it very apparent to Randy that he would 'gnaw his prissy human hands off' and 'use his bladder for a meat-accordion.' Such was the life of lineman fodder.

 

Match Report

I dread having Chaos Dwarfs in a Division with me, to be honest. They're a team that only needs a bit of development to become an unstoppable killsquad. Thankfully, I got lucky enough to face off against Chorfs when both my opponent and I had zero development whatsoever. Just like last time, it'd be a focus on hunting the squishy, agile center of the team (filthy hobgoblins) and fouling, fouling, fouling.

 

The kick was a short one, right behind the Artillery's line, and would've been perfect for the Blunt Rollers, had the bounce not sent the ball directly into Blastwave Bruce's ungainly hands. Of course, he fumbled it with all the finesse and grace of a dump truck full of badgers tumbling down a mountainside, so the ball naturally landed on the wrong side of the field. Touchback.

This solved one of the first hurdles the team would face: No Sure Hands. The ball was placed in Landmine Lewis' (Blitzer, #10) capable hands, far in the Artillery's backfield, and Turn 1 began. All of the Chaos Dwarfs get shoved off of the line, one stunned by Blastwave Bruce (Ogre, #11), and a tight cage is formed at centerfield. Simple. The Blunt Rollers respond in kind by marking the Artillery's line with as many blockers and hobgoblins as possible, and Big Philly (Bull Centaur, #01), bashes through the center of the cage on a 1-die  and marks the ball.  Turn 2 is equally as straightforward. Blastwave Bruce hits Big Philly off of the ball, the other Bull Centaur is Blitzed and knocked down, and Landmine Lewis carries the ball horizontally behind a screen into left field.  The turn ends with a no armor-break foul from Grapeshot Gregory (Lineman, #04) booting Big Philly in his thick centaur skull.  Blunt Rollers give the crowd a remix of their first turn, marking the Human line again, throwing few blocks.

 

This little tango continues for a few turns, with Ten-Pounder Ted (Blitzer, #02) dragged to the sidelines for the second time in two games, this time on a KO. Blocks are thrown, rerolls burnt on both sides, and the cage constructed begins to crumble. The only thing that saved Landmine Lewis and the ball from a two-die blitz, was a both down into both down reroll from a Bull Centaur.

 

Turn 5, a blitz from Bombard Boris (Blitzer, #06) stuns the Bull Centaur marking the ball. A one-die block sends Redeyes (Chaos Dwarf Blocker, #06) off the pitch and to the gentle, stompy embrace of his home crowd. Landmine Lewis earns his first SPP, throwing a one-die block against a Hobgoblin and shattering the creature's arm, opening up a gap to exploit for a touchdown next turn. Swisher Sweed (Chaos Dwarf Blocker, #06) fails to notice he's in swinging range of Grapeshot Greogry when attempting to run to blitz the ballcarrier, and finds himself tripped. No rerolls left for the Blunt Rollers, so it's a turnover.

Landmine Lewis forms a plan. It's not a good plan, mind. But it's a plan. The Blitzer ballcarrier springs forth, smashing Roach (Hobgoblin, #10) in the teeth with the ball, before rushing downfield out of the range of the stubby legs of Chaos Dwarfs.

The plan works out well enough.

With so little MA, there's not really anything the Blunt Rollers can do to stop the two-turn stall, and the last moments of the first half involve the customary blocks and fouls from both sides. Recoil Randy's fears are realized and he is surrounded by Chaos Dwarf Blocks and fouled on the ground, but his strategy of curling up into a small ball and wailing for Sigmar's mercy seems to work out, as the Chorfs roll a measly 5 to break his armor and fail. Lewis walks the ball into the endzone and hands it to a referee calmly. Class act, that guy.

 

Halftime arrives, and it's downright fuckin' jubilant in the Artillery's locker room. Landmine Lewis is on track for a career-defining game with two injuries and a touchdown, Recoil Randy is hastily pounding out the dents in his armor, and Blastwave Bruce is awake for once, hunched over so as to fit inside the away team locker room. There's universal agreement that if the Artillery keeps the pressure on and the punches coming, the Blunt Rollers are going to crack like glass. The team takes to the field confident, and doing their best to not remember that it only took a skink to split Hugo Howitzer's skull, once it'd come time to block towering Bull Centaurs.

 

Turn 9, the kick landed left-side in the middle of the Blunt Roller's half of the pitch, and was promptly surrounded by a Chaos Dwarf and both Bull Centaurs. The blocks on the line yielded no armor breaks, and the last Hobgoblin scooped up the ball and remained in safety. The Artillery responds by marking as many dwarfs in centerfield as possible with Bruce and the linemen, before bringing players to both flanks to attempt to cut the cage off from the line next turn. A blitz from Bombard Boris stuns a Bull Centaur, weakening the cage for next turn. The cage reforms at the midfield in the Blunt Rollers' half, and by Turn 12, a few lucky chainpushes and armor breaks have cracked the cage well and put significant pressure on the ballcarrier.

Once again, a both down reroll into a both down from a Bull Centaur creates the opportunity the Artillery need. Landmine Lewis knocks the ball free with a block, and the ensuing scramble for the ball on both teams causes it to land beside Misfire Milo. Bombard Boris rushes for the ball, blitzing down Big Philly before scooping up the ball and rushing deep into the Blunt Rollers' backfield, making victory all but a certainty. Big Philly is marked by Blastwave Bruce, and fails to escape a pair of meaty ogre fists as he tries to dodge away and threaten Bombard Boris.

 

The last few turns are simple stalling. Fouls are made by the Artillery with impunity as they try to rack up numbers for The Boot, and an Averlander fan who tagged along with the team to fill in for Hugo Howitzer, by the name of Bertolf, got a little overzealous when it came his time to foul, stomping a Bull Centaur directly in his, ehm... "undercarriage."

Well, while the Linemen were taking care of one set of balls, Bombard Boris kept the most important ball secure on at the endzone. The ball is kept safe until the last turn, and Boris spikes the ball into the dirt after his touchdown and is assaulted with boo's from the crowd of Blunt Rollers fans and pelted with the refuse of the concessions they purchased. The final whistle blows, and the Artillery are left in much, much higher spirits than the game prior.

 

The Locker Room

Landmine Lewis is declared the Artillery's MVP of the match for obvious reasons (His antics bringing him from 0 to 12 SPP in one game), Ten-Pounder Ted laments the fact that he's slept through another game, but is grateful that he at least didn't swallow his tongue while unconscious this time.

 

Changed out of their Bloodbowl armor and preparing to board their carriages back to Averland (Or in Bruce's case, his personal reinforced livestock wagon), the team is confronted by the brown-robed physicians who hauled off Hugo Howitzer. Words like "Remarkable recovery," "Only mild twitching," and "Do not store in direct sunlight" are used when describing the status of Landmine Lewis' brother and the team's official Captain. That meant the team would be at full strength again, at least.

 

The team's one-time journeyman, Bertolf, is promised a spot on the team in the future for his crotch-punting talent. The Artillery are mostly in agreement that watching a Bull Centaur hobble bow-legged off the pitch made the four-day journey into The Dark Lands entirely worth it. 

 

Final Score: 2-0, Averland Artillery

Record: 2-0-0

 

Edited June 13, 2018 by Wabbajacked

[Wabbajacked]

22 hours ago, Suido said:

EDIT: ah, there it is. But how did you get your apothecary to save a death? Amazing.

 

Grats on the first win, especially against skinks. I hate them.

I used the extra money I saved from hiring a useless bargain bin Ogre to afford a real Apothecary, seems like. A good doc is worth his weight in gold in the OCC from what I've seen. 

 

22 hours ago, C2MC said:

Glorious report. Well done.

 

I appreciate the support, you two! These reports are taking about two-and-a-half hours a piece between pictures and writing, the morale boost of knowing someone's actually reading is immense. 

 

The next matchup is in about twelve hours and it's going to be the first report I write where the memory's fresh, we'll see how that affects the content quality. It's against Vampires, so bank on an interesting game, but most likely not a very competent one from either side.

[Borke]

I read these, too!

 

They are extremely entertaining, I especially like the pitch movement illustrations - and the Chaos Dwarf sack. In fact, I'd like to order a few of those, please, I've got a matchup against Chorfs later in the season, and the extra fouling practice would be good I feel.

 

Edit: Your reports are quite long, but since they are so good, that's only a positive. It just means I have to read them when I actually have some time.

[Wabbajacked]

21 minutes ago, Borke said:

I read these, too!

 

They are extremely entertaining, I especially like the pitch movement illustrations - and the Chaos Dwarf sack. In fact, I'd like to order a few of those, please, I've got a matchup against Chorfs later in the season, and the extra fouling practice would be good I feel.

 

Edit: Your reports are quite long, but since they are so good, that's only a positive. It just means I have to read them when I actually have some time.

The Artillery and their coach appreciate your patronage, I intend to keep churning these out all of Season 7. 

 

I needed a way to provide context for what I was writing, and I used to read playbooks all the time back when I played (American) football. Seemed like a natural fit!

 

As for the Chorf Sacks, we can spare a few. By the time they make it underground to the Warpstone Avenger's stadium, the pork inside will probably rot.

 

Just tell your players it's so the sacks "smell like real, authentic Chaos Dwarfs" and they probably won't question it. 

[Rymdkejsaren]

Good stuff. I fixed the tag so your admin team can find this gem! :)

[Wabbajacked]

SEASON 7, OCC TIER 6 DIVISION D

MD3

Mourkain Raiders

- v.s -

Averland Artillery

 

"Snakes In The Grass"

 

The Pregame

The situation had more or less turned to a state of normalcy on the training grounds. Howitzer Hugo was back and in something resembling his previous self, throwing passes downfield, getting into scrums with the rest of the team, and re-familiarizing himself with the playbook. After all, a significant amount of his memory about playcalling had leaked out onto the pitch in their match against the Chaqua Suns. 

 

"Sure, Hugo screams uncontrollably when tyin' his cleats before a game an' sleeps with his eyes open now, but he's still our Captain." Wheellock Wilhelm did his best to quell any doubt in the team's only Catcher; Misfire Milo, a gloryhound whose skills had been severely underutilized the game prior.  

 

The day before the early morning match (Just prior to dawn, on a sufficiently cloudy day for the visiting Vampire team), Bombard Boris dangled a signed pre-Superstar Quantum Sufficit's Dainbread card over the head of a diminutive goblin referee. "You're gonna have sand in your eyes when the boys put the boots to a vampire, y'got it? Not gonna see a thing."

 

Signed, laminated, and chewed-on!

 

With the officiating staff sufficiently bribed, the Artillery took to the field to receive, having won the toss on a trick coin, flipped by a winking referee.

Match Report

Starting the match with a bribe is a huge boon for a coach that's trying to earn The Boot and the Artillery came into this game with the full confidence that comes from having 10 men on the pitch without loner, and 1 ogre. The kick sails shallow, in the direction of a mass of blitzers, hits the dirt, and proceeds to bounce directly into the waiting arms of Landmine Lewis(Blitzer, #10), catching the ball and completely showing up his brother a few yards behind him. This is the only luck the team will have throughout the entire game.

 

 

Lewis falls in behind Blastwave Bruce(Ogre, #11), and the spotlight falls from the returning Howitzer Hugo(Thrower, #5) as he takes up the thankless job of a cage corner. Turn 1 for the Raiders begins with a Vampire blitz against Misfire Milo(Catcher, #7), who dodges a 3-die roll once, and then dodges it again on a greedy reroll. The first quarter of the game settles into a moshpit at midfield, a blitz from Blastwave Bruce knocks the consciousness straight out of a Vampire's unholy noggin, and the cage takes shape, preparing to bash the Artillery's way through some squishy thralls.

Punches get thrown on both sides, but meager AV on both sides seems to hold up. The next removal comes when Misfire Milo punts a downed vampire in the head, a foul unseen by the referee, leaving the Catcher on the pitch while Dunkan(Vampire, #04) is hauled off. Turn 5 is when the stalemate finally breaks, with three stunned Thralls lying on the grass. The ball is carried by Landmine Lewis up left field, a Thrall is crowdsurfed, and all that's left is to stall out the first half. It does not go quite to plan.

 

I made the critical error of underestimating what Vampires can do even with few skills, and Landmine Lewis is blitzed down, barely staying on the pitch. The ball is not so lucky, sailing into the hands of nearby fans, and thrown in haphazardly into the Mourkain Raiders' backfield.

 

Mercifully, the ball lands near Bombard Boris(Blitzer, #6), who scoops up the ball and darts off towards the endzone with it on Turn 6. The Ogre hands out a nap to another lucky Vampire, sending him off the pitch KO'd. The half was salvaged, but my I am too premature in my relief. A 3+ dodge from Goff(Thrall, #11) into a 1-die blitz lands a pow on Bombard Boris and knocks the ball free. The Artillery's Turn 7 starts, and then it happens:

 

              

 

The dreaded quad skulls are rolled. The offender; Wheellock Wilhelm(Lineman, #09), a man who's lineage shall henceforth bear a mark so deep and black as to become a pariah in Averland. Cries of agony are heard from the home crowd of Averlander fans. Men are struck instantly blind by merely bearing witness to it. Sigmar himself sheds a single tear in shame.

 

Snake Eyes, Snake Eyes, belonging to the dual cobras whose venom flowed into the very veins of the Averlander Artillery, asphyxiating the Human team for a slow, agonizing death in the second half. The Vampires recover the ball, but little comes of it, ending the first half 0-0. 3 Vampires return from their KO's, and the Averland Artillery are left down 1 man on the pitch by the time it came to kick. Turn 8, the ball is scooped up and a Thrall passes out from bloodloss. A 1-die block against Blastwave Bruce, again from the Thrall Goff, results in a both down, and the Apothecary rushes to mend the Ogre's gristly broken leg, hauled off of the field by a team of horses.

On the Artillery's Turn 8, the first block of the second half, thrown by Ten-Pounder Ted(Blitzer, #02), results in immediate payback, stopping a Thrall's heart with a solid block to the sternum. The team's first kill! With no cage formed, the Artillery swarm around the ball-carrying Vampire, attempting to set up to knock the ball free. The first half of the match is repeated, with a large mass of lineman stacking up against one another tightly in a scrum at the center of the pitch.

 

It isn't until Turn 11 that the ball-carrier, Dunkan(Vampire, #04), breaks free. The Artillery manage a few lucky dodges to place him in blitzing range, and the ball is knocked free by Landmine Lewis, and caught securely by Hugo Howitzer. With the Catcher in a great position to rush downfield, a possible comeback is opened up. But alas, with two strategically-placed Hypnotizes, no sooner has the ball enter Hugo's quivering hands before it's knocked back to the ground and recovered by Dunkan.

 

Turn 14, with all attempts to knock the ball free again proving impotent, Dunkan walks the ball into the Averland Artillery's endzone, the first player to score against the Human team all season. A deep-kick with only 3 turns left is the dagger in the Artillery's heart. Howitzer Hugo, with Sure Hands, fails to pick up the ball twice. Any opportunity for a quick pass and rush downfield, no matter how slim a chance, is squandered by the team Captain cracking under pressure. 

 

 

Coach's Comments

Boy, this was a hard game to write a report on and I was a little too bummed by how this game went to finish with my usual closer. But these might be some of the worst rolls I've had in a league game, frankly. The worst way to lose is when opportunities are constantly dangled in front of a coach, but the dice just aren't there to make it happen. My opponent played Vampires probably more competently than I've ever seen done, and frankly, I came into the match underestimating the team. The undefeated First Season got snuffed out quickly, possibly by a bit of hubris.

 

It's a long season ahead if this keeps up, but the Artillery are going to need to bring their A-game next week against the Green Ants Dark Elves, so I can't afford to mope too much.

 

Cheers and thanks for the continued reading, folks, even after a bitter loss like this one. 

 

Final Score: 0-1, Mourkain Raiders

Record: 2-0-1

Kills: 1

 

 

[C2MC]

Damn you and your black text on a multicolored background!

[Borke]

I love the little details in the pregame section this time!

 

As for the match: It does sound like you had a good share of bad luck there. Quad skulls to start of a turn can break a match. And the Ogre getting injured from a 1d block without even MB is also seriously unlucky. On the other hand, I have a soft spot for Vampires, have watched many Vamp matches over the years, and so I know that it's easy to underestimate them. Playing against Vamps I usually change my game plan completely: keep the ball as far away from them as possible, stretch them out, and most importantly: make them do stuff, so they bite their Thralls more. But even then it basically comes down to this: If Vamps roll decently, they can perform miracles on the pitch.

[El Maldito]

A very good and complete report. You do not usually make a good report when you lose and that our memory perfectly remembers the , but not the  that may have given you the victory.

 

Un saludo !!!!.

 

PD: I love reading you. I do not usually write much, although I do read, because my English is terrible, but you deserve my comment 

[Wabbajacked]

19 hours ago, C2MC said:

Damn you and your black text on a multicolored background!

I, uh... Probably should've noticed that beforehand. Welp, just gotta learn from that mistake.

 

19 hours ago, Borke said:

I love the little details in the pregame section this time!

 

As for the match...

Yeah, I just couldn't turn it around after that quad skull. Maybe the second half would've gone a little differently with an Ogre on the pitch as well, but it just wasn't in the cards. Thankfully, things went much, much different in MD4, so I'm real excited for that report.

 

17 hours ago, El Maldito said:

A very good and complete report. You do not usually make a good report when you lose and that our memory perfectly remembers the , but not the  that may have given you the victory.

 

Un saludo !!!!.

 

PD: I love reading you. I do not usually write much, although I do read, because my English is terrible, but you deserve my comment 

Thanks, my dude! This one was a bit of a struggle to rewatch for the report, but I knew the first loss would be a hurdle. I'm glad it doesn't seem like the quality is slipping despite that!

[wolves in exile]

Also a reader here, great stuff.

[Wabbajacked]

SEASON 7, OCC TIER 6 DIVISION D

MD2

 Averland Artillery

- v.s -

Green Ants 

 

"Pesticide"

 

The Pregame

The Artillery's Training Camp, Streissen, Averland

6 days before The Game

 

A hard loss to suffer preceded the week's training routine, a downright impotent display on the pitch against Vampires. A flaccid offense and a defense that simply couldn't keep it up were the hallmarks of the game. The team's fans were quick to begin throwing blame for the loss around, and the Cinderella story of an undefeated first season was ended all too prematurely.

 

Wheellock Wilhelm was the target of much ire, having thrown those Quad Skulls, but on the training field, the man still had a role to fill. He was taking his practice hits on the practice line while the blitzer core and an occasionally glassy-eyed Howitzer Hugo deliberated on how to prevent another such loss.

 

"We need better formations, the line got ate alive out there." Ten-Pounder Ted, ever bleeding-hearted towards the plight of the lineman, proposed. 

 

A grumbling Bombard Boris was quick to retort, taking a break from sharpening his spiked eye-gouging bronze gauntlets. "The line's weakest link's the one that looks strongest, that damn Ogre. Bruce is a flash-in-the-pan. The dumbass could hold his own in the Stunty League, but he's been all liability this season."

 

"Our w-weakness is on the offensive, w-we haven't been taking advantage of the aerial attack. W-we need better coordination for throw-wing plays, I haven't...haven't-..." The team's recuperating thrower, Hugo, drew a loss for words, an awkward silence hanging between the team's leaders as the Captain's eyes began to wander. The Blitzer core looked to the Captain's brother, up to this point silent, running wax-coated fingers through a hay-colored beard. "New blood, Lew. You know it's what we need. We can spring a fortune for 'nother Blitzer from Reikland to help pull our weight, the linemen ain't doin' it alone." 

 

"We know a guy. Give it two days, we'll make a Blitzer from scratch."  Landmine Lewis let the matter drop there. Practice began in full for the day, and Landmine Lewis left the training grounds that evening for Streissen's tavern, seeking out one of Streissen's many cattlehands.

 

On The Pitch, Kawau Stadium, Naggaroth

 Game Day

 

"Y'sure y'got that armor on right, milkmaid? Cover your jugular, Naggarothi go for the throat soon as y'blink." Misfire Milo gave that warning to the team's newest member moments before Flashpan Frederik would kick the ball into the Dark Elf's side of the pitch. Bertolf, the crowd favorite journeyman from two weeks before, the slayer of Bull Centaur-genitals, fumbled with his breastplate to make sure he was truly covered. After all, it was only the second time the fan-turned-player had worn his kit. 

 

 

Bertolf, Broadside Bertolf (as the Boys In Bronze had taken to naming him) was still fixing chaffing straps and clanking plates when the ball hit the dirt behind Green Ant lines, and stumbled over himself catching up with the rest of the team as the first exploratory punches were thrown between Dark Elf and Human at midfield. "Just remember to swing low and y'gonna be fine!"

 

Match Report

The Artillery are coming into this game at more than full strength, and damn lucky to boot. A key Blodge Blitzer and a Lineman were missing from the Ants' squad, replaced by a pair of bumbling Journeymen. But it's a fool's gambit to ever count a Delf team out, even when they might be down.

 

The kick sails deep and to the Artillery's right flank. Since it's basically random where it goes, this is more or less an advantageous position. With The Artillery's backfield in a traditional diagonal screen at kickoff, none of the Ants manage to punch a hole in the defense and rush deep. Instead, the Ants forge forward, basing Blastwave Bruce (Ogre, #11) with a Journeyman and bringing blows to bear for a Turn 1 melee. Human AV8 holds firm and no one's on the ground for the Artillery's first turn. A juicy target is left on the corner of the Green Ants' attacking line, Hathmael (Lineman, #06), a Guard player who could stand a huge threat to any Artillery formations in the next half. He's blitzed to the grass, stunned, by Averland Artillery newcomer Broadside Bertolf (Blitzer, #12) with a Blocked both down, leaving him on the ground and remaining in out of the safety of his own line. The Artillery swings aggressively to their left flank to give enough assists to the doubly-marked Landmine Lewis (Blitzer, #10) to block down a Journeyman. The remaining Journeyman is KO'd by a meaty Ogre fist, as Delf AV8 proves itself flimsier than Human AV8, shaping how the pitch will look for the first quarter. 

 

Turn 2, a reroll is burnt dodging an Ants Lineman away from Landmine Lewis, forcing their coach into conservative playcalling. Dark Elves fall back in retaliation, taking commanding control of midfield, but leaving their dazed Guard Lineman to fend for himself, and he's quickly set upon by Artillery players, slavering like hyenas before a carcass, hungry both for a numbers advantage on the pitch and for the prestigious Boot trophy.

In Blitzing the team's most highly-skilled Dirty Player free from being marked, Bombard Boris (Blitzer, #06), leaves a Dark Elf lineman's body a calamitous ruin, the green-armored Ant lineman crumpling to the grass, spine contorted unnaturally.  Damaged Back, Niggled. Grapeshot Gregory (Lineman, #04, Dirty Player) fueled by desire to not be outdone by a Blitzer, sets upon the downed Guard Lineman's frame with several steel-toed stomps as his teammates hold the barely-conscious Dark Elf down. Doing near as much damage to the Dark Elf's back as his teammate had received seconds prior, he was likewise taken off the field nursing spinal injuries. Pinched Nerve, Miss Next Game.

With a 3-man advantage at the end of Turn 2, morale on the Artillery's side was high. Turn 3, a reroll is again used on an unfortunate  roll on a blitz against Ten-Pounder Ted (Blitzer, #02). Immediately after, a 2+ dodge failure results in a quick turnover, with a hole exposed in the Green Ants' line, but no Artillery players were fast enough to exploit the gap and sack the ball-carrying Witch Elf, Ulsona. Human Turn 3, Andmal (Blodge Blitzer, #03) is hit at midfield and KO'd, leaving enough room for a GFI charge by Broadside Bertolf to mark the ball-carrier. With a numbers advantage, the Artillery mark as many Dark Elves as possible to try and limit the chances for a heroic nail-biting pass play.

 

Which is the exact play the Green Ants choose to run when Turn 4 comes. Landmine Lewis is hit with a pow blitz and kicked aside, freeing up a Dark Elf blitzer in the Artillery's backfield. Ulsona, ball-in-hand, makes an effortless dodge free from the rookie Bertolf, and rushes down to close the distance between herself and her receiver. The ball leaves clammy Dark Elf fingers with a perfect spiral, thrown with equal parts skill and spite, is caught casually in the Artillery's backfield, and rushed into the endzone by Lanhil (Blitzer, #01). 

Touchdown. The home crowd of Dark Elves cheer with glee as the Artillery's reckoning comes for their over-aggressive rush. The Green Ants performed a play that look unfathomable to the stunned Humans, and the Dark Elves pulled it off as effortlessly as a man breathes.

 

The Artillery take to the pitch after a post-touchdown huddle in an aggressive wedge formation, intent on evening up the score to make the second half of the match an easier endeavor. The ball is kicked and shanks shallowly onto the Artillery's left flank, dancing precariously at the edge of the pitch, but staying in bounds. The ball is swarmed by Artillery players, but Howitzer Hugo is just out of range of the pickup, reaching the ball wheezing and coughing. With no Tackle on the opposing team, Landmine Lewis again becomes the ballcarrier. The strategy of "Give the ball to Lewis and fucking pray" hadn't panned out last week, but it was the best tactic the Human squad had to go on. Lewis scoops up the ball, falls behind a left-flank cage, and Blastwave Bruce pushes the Delf line back to begin the advance. The Green Ants respond by positioning themselves to hold against the coming tide, stacking up their left side of the pitch with the side-lining threat of a Witch Elf, making the Artillery think twice about where they chose to stand. Turn 5 comes, and the Artillery advance, looping around the knot of Green Ants players at left field in order to swamp the Dark Elves in linemen, to take full advantage of superior numbers.

 

Misfire Milo (Catcher, #07) part of the cage to protect Lewis, receives a furious charge from Ulsona, dodging away from the first two attempted blocks, and then dodging a third when another reroll is spent attempting to knock him over. Stumbling back into Lewis, both men were on the edge of the pitch and in precarious positioning for a blitz that didn't come. A 1-die block to free a Dark Elf Blitzer results in a skull, and a turnover. Turn 6, Landmine Lewis throws a retaliatory block to protect the ball and fragile Milo, showing that a real Averlander gentleman isn't too proud to punch a woman in the mouth. 

Green Ants Turn 7, all cylinders are firing to put the pressure on the Human formation, even with a Witch Elf missing. But, another failed block, a both down with a journeyman, seals the fate of the half. The Artillery stall another turn, throw their fouls, and Lewis walks the ball into the endzone to tie the game 1-1 at the blow of the halftime whistle.

 

The Artillery spend the short reprieve of halftime to come up with a strategy for the next half. That strategy amounts to "Give Lewis the ball and really fucking pray," since that worked so well the first time around, there's no reason it shouldn't go just as smoothly in the second half. Turn 9 begins with Ten-Pounder Ted racking up his second kill, remorselessly snapping the neck of a morale-deprived Journeyman on the line, and another lineman is KO'd after Lewis again picks up the ball from the edge of the sidelines and falls back into a midfield cage. The Green Ants bide their time and keep their star blodging Blitzer, and their rookie Blitzer, back in their own half of the field, protected by a pair of linemen, while two of the last lineman elves on the pitch are left to be chewed on by blocks and fouls thrown with impunity in a slow, assured advance. 

 

The numbers gap is closed to merely 10 on 6 after Grapeshot Gregory snakes a foul injury roll and is sent off the pitch. It then falls to 9 on 5 as Recoil Randy and a Dark Elf are both sent off on an Artillery foul, only one of them leaving the pitch conscious. Behind a steadfast cage and with such a numbers advantage, the Artillery manage to outpunch and outmaneuver the Dark Elves, even following the Dark Elf blitzers closing in on Turn 11.

 

Landmine Lewis and a cadre of his fellow Blitzers outpace the Green Ants players left on the pitch, leaving them swamped in the grasping limbs of linemen and an Ogre alike. There, Landmine Lewis burns time off the clock, ball in hand, as the Green Ants attempt to curb their losses by keeping valuable Blitzer pieces out of range until the critical final moments. Then it comes, Turn 13, and Bombard Boris, cornering the cage, is left stunned on the ground from a blitz by Andmal, and Lewis is marked. Attempting to capitalize on their advantage, the Dark Elf Cadir (Lineman, #04) begins to run away from Blastwave Bruce to mark Landmine Lewis further, only for Bruce to throw a wicked backhand and knock Cadir's lights out, dropping the player count to 9 on 4, in dangerous pitch-clearing territory. 

 

When all 4 remaining Dark Elves swarm the now-loose formation on Turn 15, the Human line breaks and Lewis is freed from the Dark Elves marking him by his teammates, rushing to the edge of the endzone (mostly) outside of the reach of the Green Ants. The downed Andmal, most senior Dark Elf player left on the pitch, is surrounded by humans intent on keeping him down. Kicks are thrown, hateful epithets are spewed, and the distracted referees turn a blind eye to the fouling stomps against him, but Andmal heroically, defiantly soldiers through the abuse, motivated by home-crowd cries for a stop to the coming loss. His armor fails to break, and he stays on the pitch. There's a shot, a snowball's chance in hell.

 

All that was needed was for a 3+ dodge by the Journeyman Enbien to mark Lewis' protection, allowing for a 1-die block against the ballcarrier if Andmal could stand, perform a 5+, 3+ dodge, and then make 2 GFI's to-... 

 

It doesn't quite go that way.

 

The Journeyman does as Journeymen do. The very first dodge of the only play left to make fails, as Misfire Milo takes a dive and trips up the Dark Elf's ankles with that smug, shit-eating grin still on his face. The hard-nosed grind brings The Artillery their third pro league victory, and Landmine Lewis adds another touchdown ball to his collection as he reaches 20 SPP after just his 4th game. 

 

The Locker Room

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

 

Landmine Lewis has truly eclipsed his younger brother, Hugo, both in popularity and relevance among the team's fanbase. No doubt a combination of his on-pitch performance in addition to the fact that the once-charismatic pretty boy Hugo is having difficulty forming coherent sentences these days. 

 

But a thought eats away at Lewis, keeps the man up in bed at night. He can succeed on the pitch, but if he rests on those laurels, what's going to happen when the Artillery are outpaced by the Elves and Orks in their Division? Those Dark Elves threw the ball, in one play, covered 3/4ths of the pitch and scored with elegance, grace, and succinctness. All qualities his Boys In Bronze lack. That play haunts him. 

 

Lewis can't make his teammates hit like Orks. He can't make his teammates take punches like Dwarves. He can't make his teammates dodge like Elves. But he can remake himself, and they might, just might, follow his example.

 

Like a cannon forged by a metallurgist, the training grounds become Lewis' crucible to mold a better Blitzer. Running track for hours, learning to catch Hugo's passes from Milo, Landmine Lewis remains out on the training field long after the rest of his team has gone home or to the Streissen tavern for the night, dodging around mock linemen, learning how to sweep up the ball like an Elf and dazzle with feats of agility. 

Lewis vows to become what carries the Averland Artillery, until his men can hit like Orks with strength combined and his brother's tactical mind had recuperated, however long it would take. He'd forge himself under training pressure, until the pressure of the pitch breaks his body out from under him for good. With force like that, what's going to stop the Artillery from taking Division D? Sigmar damn it, what's going to stop them from taking the whole Tier? 

 

Coach's Comments

(Not essential to read, but do what you want. I'm a subheader, not a cop.)

 

Giving Lewis his own "The Locker Room" section feels like tempting fate with a death sentence for him, but damn it, I was just so proud to have a Level 3 Blodger +Agi on the squad this early. Even if he's basically a 160K Dark Elf Blitzer with a wasted level, it's going to really change the game plan going forward and I'm starting to get some confidence in the team's prospects in the post-season, but competition is extremely fierce.

 

As for this game, it was a game that, at first, felt like a spat of early luck really decided the game, but when I looked back at the statistics of it, there was only a 9% difference in armor breaks between the two teams. It served a good reminder of how much of a mental game Bloodbowl can be, and how important keeping your morale up truly is. How integral it is to avoid the dreaded 'tilt.' My opponent, even after scoring so early, seemed to think the outcome of the game was a forgone conclusion, based on what he was saying mid-match. And while I may have disagreed with him when he said that this Bloodbowl simulation was broken and didn't work (Since I got only a smidgen luckier in regards to armor breaks early on, and threw more blocks), it did outline how Cumulative Advantage is so key to a Bloodbowl match and can really warp our perception mid-game. Once 2 players were removed, it felt easy for me to get to 3, and so on. 

 

I can't blame him for losing his head in the heat of the moment like he did, it felt pretty similar to what happened to me in my game in MD3. Stopping an 11 player offense with 9 is far from insurmountable, but Crypttos' morale really tanked and rerolls were misused, players weren't positioned as well as they could've been. The dividing-and-conquering on the pitch in the first half essentially decided the second half before it started, when I was allowed 3 turns to march up the pitch and foul while five of his players sat in the backfield.

 

My opponent did what he could, and in that pass touchdown, I saw a glimmer of what makes Elf Teams and their Coaches truly admirable. Cutting your losses and taking an L to preserve your team is always a hard choice for a dodgy Coach to make, but there's nothing worse than making that choice too early. I wish Crypttos luck with the rest of his season, because he was a damn good sport in the face of that loss.

 

Next week is Lizards. Again. Skinks without Block and only 1 Saurus with it, but they're one of the top teams in the Division, so I'm interested to see what my opponent's done to secure that spot when I watch his replays. The goal is to make it a do-over of MD1 and secure 6D's top spot, by Sigmar's will.

 

Final Score: 1-2, Averland Artillery

Record: 3-0-1

Kills: 2

Team Leaderboard Position: Tied for 1st

Edited June 27, 2018 by Wabbajacked

[C2MC]

Oh, God. Elf-BS looks even worse when you turn it in to a drawing.

 

Serves 'em right. The only good Elf is a dead Elf! Same goes for Dwarfs, Lizardmen, Chaos and Halflings.

[Borke]

Landmine Lewis is going to define your team for the next 2+ seasons, I'm sure. Yes, he's expensive (40k and a level more than an equivalent Dark Elf Blitzer), but he also a) has strength access on normal rolls (so you can easily give him Guard, MB and Stand Firm) and b) has a team with even more strength access behind him. Which makes him incredibly valuable.

 

Learning not to tilt when Nuffle is playing tricks on you is extremely valuable to becoming a better coach. Everybody can ride a wave of successful rolls to success. But you won't always get successful rolls, and when that happens, you need to keep a clear head to analyze the situation, and quick thinking to find chances even when understaffed.

[Suido]

On 6/27/2018 at 6:31 PM, C2MC said:

Oh, God. Elf-BS looks even worse when you turn it in to a drawing.

 

Serves 'em right. The only good Elf is a dead Elf! Same goes for Dwarfs, Lizardmen, Chaos and Halflings.

And Brets and Nurgs and Zons and Frogs/Acrobats and Rats and Undead... wait, no. The only good undead is a re-deaded undead. Not as pithy, ah well. Goblins are ok, I guess.

[Suido]

On 6/27/2018 at 9:11 PM, Borke said:

Landmine Lewis is going to define your team for the next 2+ seasons, I'm sure. Yes, he's expensive (40k and a level more than an equivalent Dark Elf Blitzer), but he also a) has strength access on normal rolls (so you can easily give him Guard, MB and Stand Firm) and b) has a team with even more strength access behind him. Which makes him incredibly valuable.

+1

Strength access is massive.

 

Halfway thru the first season, keep up the good reporting!